So thanks for...nothing? Represent your country!

So it is Thanksgiving week in the States. A holiday where we celebrate a bunch of Puritans making nice with Native Americans, then later stealing their land, horses, trinkets, women, buffalo and anything else they could get their hands on.
It is a tactic that has been employed ever since, especially when it comes to American women. They make nice, then steal everything you have.
But we digress.
This is a happy time, a time for giving thanks for all the wonderful things in our lives.
So, let's see, there's...uh...um...er....
OK, so it hasn't been the best year. I guess we should look for the things we're thankful we're NOT.

1) I am thankful I am not on death row. I mean, if they ever found that rotted, decaying body buried in that playground...

2) I am thankful I am not a bank or the stock market.

3) I am thankful I am not old. Well, never mind on that one.

4) I am thankful that I don't know any pervert priests.*

(*-see short story on prior post).

5) I am thankful I don't have a fanny, as it were.

6) I am NOT thankful that football season is nearly over. And that I think Rice is going to beat the Cougars.

7) I am NOT thankful for torn PCLs.

8) I am NOT thankful for hurricanes.

9) I am NOT thankful for people who don't return phone calls or emails.

10) I AM thankful for transvestites, evil clowns, spider monkeys, goofy Facebook statuses, language barriers, naked animals, bad movies, thongs (on strippers and sumo wrestlers ONLY), bearded women and all assorted circus freaks, Vern Troyer, sexy grandmas, flying dogs, devils needing penis enlargement, and anything else that gets me funny looks when I drop it into seemingly normal conversations. It occurred to me I am not very funny without you guys.
So thanks for that, too.

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OK, the real things to be thankful for are two awesome kids, my brothers, mom and my grandmother, and all the cool people who keep life fun in H Town...The Chris Cs, Curtis Ps, The horse babe/Jason P entry, big Abel, the 1560 guys, El Deano, Michael the Mouth, Scotty S, Jerry the Man, No Fold, D Bounds, Super Sue, Rocket, Bern and Trish and everybody else I am forgetting who always picks up the phone when I call. Or returns my emails.

In the end, isn't that what matters?

Some other stuff:

1) Jack Daniels. Or Jim Beam, depending on the mood.

2) Shinedown. Or Linkin Park, depending on the mood.

3) All in with Aces against kings pre-flop, until the inevitable king on the turn. (Thanks for nothing, Poker Stars).

4) Making people laugh without dressing up like Little Bo Peep.

5) Making people laugh when I DO dress up like Little Bo Peep.

And most importantly, all the cool folks from all over the world who read this blog and click on the ads, which helps keep me in Jack Daniels and Jim Beam. I'm too broke to travel anymore, but you guys bring a little of the world to me every day. For that, I am eternally grateful to all of you. Much love.

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And finally...

The beauty of this blog is that so many of you spark the ideas. It's as much a community blog as it is me, which is a good thing, because you are all smarter than me. (At least most of you are).

Actually, when I first started this, a lot of the ideas came from chatting with Val. So she is sort of the unofficial conscience of the blog. She has even contributed a few ideas (not the funny ones. Those are mine).

Since then, many of you have suggested great ideas. Sometimes the ideas were great and my execution sucked. Sometimes we made them work.

The Canadians dominated for a while. Then the Aussies. Of late, the English have had the best ideas. (Especially Awesome Joy and Vikki the dazzling Brit).

The Americans? Not so much.

All this is a nice way of challenging you to throw me some fresh ideas. The best stuff always gets repurposed for our radio shows, which helps keep me employed.

Whoever has the best idea...well, I will publicly admit you are smarter than me, and that your country is by far the best in the world. (Not you, Val. Everybody else).

Just make sure it has nothing to do with Puritans and Native Americans...

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And another blog I would like to recommend: http://gadfly-waywardthoughts.blogspot.com/

How about giving me some head...lines?

I am asked all the time if I miss working at a newspaper. My standard answer is I miss the people, not the place. As time goes on, I don't miss as many of the people as I used to, either. Guess that is natural. (*If you think I am talking about you, I am probably not. If you think I don't mean you, I do.)
*-I am just kidding. Please don't email and say, "do you mean me? You people are more paranoid than I am.

There is one thing I wish I could have back, however. One great regret. One thing I miss above all else.

Stupid headline mistakes.

There are millions of them around the world. Many great blogs make a career out of these. Here are a few I like. I am sure my former colleagues will have many to contribute.

Here are a few of my favorites from my days at the Chron. Some made the paper, some didn't.

1 -- "Brenham caught with Peters out."
Brenham had a player whose last name was Peters, and he was injured. Of course, that's not how it reads. It reads like an exposure case. The great irony? The same player was later allegedly caught on a recruiting trip, um, spanking his monkey* in a dorm hall.

*-see post on euphemisms.

2 -- "Man arrested after 20 years on lamb."
This is one of Paul McGrath's longtime favorites. That has to be one sore lamb.

3 -- "It's nut-cutting time for Kentucky."
All I can say is "ouch." Really. In Kentucky, that usually means geldings. Poor guys. Amazing how the meaning changes when you put a "u" in where there should be an "e."

4 -- "After 10 years, Johnson finally gets head job."
Poor guy. He must have been married all that time.

5 -- "Cowboys Sanders to miss three weeks with bulging dick in back."
Ah, typos. Obviously, Deion was a transcendent football player. But an extra package?
Guess that makes threesomes easier. Or maybe it was inserted.
Ugh. We learned to be careful with bulging discs.

Just this week, several headlines caught my eye for different reasons. "Sex in retirement homes becoming a problem." What, are they breaking hips at a record pace? "Death ends 15-year relationship." Damn dirty death.

Trish the superbabe pointed me to a great blog that has several
http://failblog.org (page 6: "Chick accuses some male colleagues of sexism" is one of my favorites.)

OK, I'm challenging everyone to give me their favorites. Best of the best wins some 97.5 gear.

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As always, please click on the ads on this page. They help pay for the blog. And for the best sports takes in Houston, check out the examiner blog at http://www.examiner.com/x-1519-Houston-Sports-Examiner

And please check out a new blog from someone who is uniquely talented, clever and insightful (all the things I am not):
http://slapdashthinking.blogspot.com/

She has a lyrical way of writing that will sing to you. I predict this will be one of the most popular blogs on the planet in a few months.

Language barrier; Relationship advice from Uncle Freddy? Really?

One of my favorite things to goof off with is Facebook and some of the silly games on there. I enjoy the games like Wordscraper (dammit, it's your move, Trish) but I also have a blast on a silly horse racing game which is basically a bunch of colored pixel ponies.

My addiction to real horse racing is the stuff of legends, so being drawn to a goofy game based on it isn't a real stretch.

But as stated before on this blog, it's more the people. Most of the time, it is essentially like sitting in a bar with a bunch of other addicted degenerates talking about whatever comes up.

So it is not a stretch, too, that we all have similar interests. As such, I have made virtual friends with all sorts of wonderful people from all over the world.

(Yeah, yeah. Get a life, I know. Thanks, I have one. It's just virtual).

Regardless, there are very few Americans on there. Most are English, Aussies or Canadians.

Wonderful countries, all. Wonderful people, too.

But they don't speak English.

Well, not Texas English. Not even American English.

It's amazing how many phrases have gone off in completely different directions on different continents. (It has also led me to getting clocked in Wordscraper by these clever foreigners).

Thanks to Austin Powers, I managed to learn a few. I might take a bathroom break. The English go to the loo.

We don't have a word for loo, unless it's short for looney. (Which is what calling a bathroom a "loo" seems to be).

If your name is Randy, you can expect to get laughed at in England. While it's a nice, solid American name, it's also horny over there.

My personal favorite is the term, "fanny." In the States, it means butt, rear, etc.

In England, it apparently refers to a vagina.

I can see where this could be confusing, especially for an American/English couple. Especially if the man asks, "can I have a go at your fanny?"

Wars have been started that way.

I am also confused as to where a fanny pack is supposed to go now.

I am currently losing weight. I am not sure where I would do best. In England I would be losing stones. In Australia, kilograms. Here, it is pounds. Which would be money in England. (That might be my best bet. I am MUCH better at losing pounds in England than in America). But I WANT stones here. Sigh.

And I can't even talk to the English about tea. For some it's dinner. For other's it's lunch. For me it is a wretched drink.

And my English friends don't understand why we giggle like school girls when they talk about eating spotted dick. It's a sponge pudding for them. For us? It's someone who needs a penicillin shot.

Well, at least we all like alcohol. Even if I go to a bar and they go to a pub.

And Canadians...what is it with putting the extra "u" in every word? Is it really necessary? isn't Glamor just fine as Glamor? Why does it need to be Glamour? And humor...does it really need to be hume-you-are? That's what "humour" looks like to me.

Admittedly, I REALLY need to travel the world more. Unless I want to keep getting clocked at Wordscraper.

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OK, if you have more of these, please share. Thanks to Joy, a clever young lady from England, for her help with this. Also, much love for Vikki the Dazzling Brit, who drops stuff out of the blue that is funny as hell and sends me scurrying for a dictionary. And thanks to Brandy the Awesome American for speaking the same language and wanting me to be president. And Virtual Val, the Canadian goddess, who puts a u in every word that has an o just to confuse me.

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In response to C-squared's comment below...You want relationship advice from ME? What's next, human rights advice from Saddam Hussein? Bar Mitzvah advice from the pope? Coaching advice from Gary Kubiak? How to spell O words from Val?

Try this: At our age, until you purchase a ring, you are just friends. (That's what you get for dating 18 year olds). You don't need to drop that fact on them until you have been dating for about a month. Tell them it's a late 30s/early 40s thing.

Oh, and K-10 offsuit is not a good hand....:-)

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As always, please click the ads, and visit the examiner blog at http://www.examiner.com/x-1519-Houston-Sports-Examiner

Thanks to all!

Help, please! And be sure to sign off...

Friendly reminder to please click on our advertisers. They pay for this blog. And please visit the blog at examiner.com for sports takes at http://www.examiner.com/Houston-Sports.html.

I have discovered I do not speak English. I need help from my English, Aussie and Canadian friends. Please send me some of your favorite phrases that are unique to your country. It will be for a blog entry later in the week. Just some of the things that confuse your American friends. Email them to me at dragonman409@gmail.com

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Now, a bit about ethics. We have been filling in for Calvin Murphy off and on over the past two weeks. Matt brought up a brilliant ethical dilemma on the show, and it got a lot of great response, so I thought it was worth revisiting here.

One of our interns left his personal email signed on a work computer.

The ethical question: How much are we allowed to do?

Send emails to his friends? Change his fantasy roster? Change his password.

The possibilities were endless. First up, his friend Jennifer. We had to send her an email confessing that he had a "small problem." But that he was considering enlargement surgery and would she be willing to talk about expanding their friendship at that point.

Mom, of course, got the full confession. "Mom, I have been wanting to tell you this for a while, but I recently found myself. I will be bringing my 'special friend' Bruce home this weekend."

And, of course, to Bruce..."I have a confession...I am attracted to you in a special way. Can we talk about this in person? Sorry I haven't brought this up sooner, but I wasn't sure about you until now..."

So what is over the line? How much can we get away with? When do we go from funny to childish?

And if any of you get strange emails from me, you'll know I was stupid and left myself signed on and the kid got me back...

Some updates...why you should vote for Fred

Sorry for the delay in posting. I have been spending a lot of time working on the Ticket's Web site and also the examiner blog (http://www.examiner.com/x-1519-Houston-Sports-Examiner) and this one has suffered. I promise to get caught back up this week.

In the interim, please visit the advertisers on this page. They pay for the blog. And check out the examiner blog; I get paid per view there. It's a great blog if you like Houston sports. If not, click on it and comment anyway and help a brother out.

Fun stuff is coming on this blog. Sometime this week, I will have something on how even though we all speak the same language (theoretically), the English, Aussies, Americans and Canadians all need translators for each other.

Also, some new fiction in the works. I had a Halloween story called Night of the Living Old Yeller. Didn't get it done in time for Halloween, but it is almost finished and it is as disturbing as it sounds.

I am also working on a new super villain series.

On the radio front, we'll be filling in for Calvin Murphy on 11/4, 11/5, 11/6 and 11/11. That's prime time, 5-7 p.m. Central. You can hear us on the Web site at www.975theticket.com. It promises to be entertaining, so please check it out.

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So it's Election Day in America. Please get out and vote.

It doesn't matter whether or not you vote for the guy who says nothing or the old chipmunk looking dude who had to pick a hottie as a running mate to have any shot. Just vote.

The next election, however, I will be running for president as head of the Degenerate party.

I ask for your support.

Unlike my future opponents (the incumbent Obama and Palin the she-devil, who will run on her own in four years), I am not going to resort to ducking the issues and relying on my good looks to get elected.

I will not resort to negative campaigning.

However, I might have to point out a few facts.

I will mention that Obama is just a pretty face with the personality of a sponge.

I will mention that Palin sounds like she missed out on the lead in Fargo but that she did star in Damien Omen III as Damien.

I might even have to reveal that they had a little-known affair, and are secretly into each other in a big way.

And that they were both sexually involved with different farm animals, too. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but is this who we want leading our country?

No, this will be about me.

I promise no taxes whatsoever. We will get our money by initiating a national lottery and tax, er, collect from you that way.

I promise more national parties. No, not Dems and Republicans. Real parties, with circus midgets, trapezes, and Palin in a teddy.

We will also run the country like a college football program. In fact, just like the University of Texas.

Because of that, I promise we will invade Canada. (Nothing personal, Canada. We will leave right after we invade. We don't want to keep you.).

But we do need an easy win to help our BCS rankings. Iraq was tougher than expected. They took us to the wire. China is gaining points on us. We need to pad our stats.

Canada is like Baylor -- we need a rout to feel better about ourselves. We will pull the starters once we get a big lead. Really.

And finally, I will legalize poker in all states, eliminate the death penalty (except for people who annoy us) and decree that football must be played year round.

And I promise some pot for every chicken.

Or something like that.

Regardless, join the Degenerate party, and vote for Fred.

Who deserves to die? Here's a short list...

Before we get started, please help a brother out and check out our sports takes on the new Examiner blog. It's different from this -- it's a review, preview and analysis of Houston sports. I get paid per click, so please check it out...it's http://www.examiner.com/x-1519-Houston-Sports-Examiner

And don't forget to click on our advertisers on this page. They support the blog. If you want to see Freddys World survive, help us out. Thanks!

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We have a tendency in radio to overstate things, just because it's funny to us. Sometimes I will say something like, "that dude deserves to die." In reality, it's a euphemism for "that person is a below average human being."

If I say, "that dude deserves to die drowning in his own blood," that's usually a euphemism for, "that dude deserves to die."

So with that in mind, it's time to compile a list of people who deserve to die.

(Disclaimer: These are not pedophiles or sex offenders. Or serial killers, mass murderers or exes. That goes without saying. Just more general annoyances who we would be much better without).

1 -- Dorky Weezer concert dudes. See prior post.

2 -- Whoever invented rashes.

3 -- Perfume lady. (Featured in a prior post, but basically the lady who bathes in perfume and then gets on the elevator with you. Same goes for guys with cologne).

4 -- Telemarketers reading from a script. "Hello, Mr. Fay-yur, I am representing aluminum siding, Inc. We have an unbeatable offer for you today."

"Thanks, I'm not interested."

"I understand that sir, but our siding is guaranteed for 5 years, and..."

"I'm not interested, dude."

"I understand that, sir, but we are the No. 3 provider of aluminum and we were invented by John K. Savage, who..."

"I live in an apartment."

"Yes, I understand that, but our siding is the best..."

"Click."

5 -- Whoever invented the Facebook blocker on office computer systems.

6 -- Stuart Scott.

7 -- People who use cell phones in public and talk about rashes and diahrrea.

8 -- Whoever left the band cart out at the UH game last night. (Here is the video of what happened. Warning, don't watch this if you are faint of heart).

9 -- Dentists who carry on conversations with you, expecting you to respond while your mouth is full of crap. "Fred, what do you think of the Rockets?"

"Mmmmppfh, gurgle, mmmpf."

"Yeah, but I think that Yao will stay healthy. And I think they have a big chance."

"MMmppff...mpppfff...ACK!"

"Well, you are the expert. But I happen to think you are wrong."

10 -- People who self-promote and do stuff like, "please check out my other blog at http://www.examiner.com/x-1519-Houston-Sports-Examiner"

11 -- Men who try to pick up other men in the gym. (Don't ask me why, but I am a magnet for these guys. I am NOT into you. I don't roll that way. Although there is this one guy...).

12 -- Militant anythings.

13 -- People who insist on talking to you when you are clearly hung over and wish to be left alone.

14 -- People who insist on chatting with you online when you tell them, "hey, how are you? I am kind of busy at work right now but I will be in touch soon." Then they keep going anyway. "Really? You are on the air? How cool is it that I am chatting with you while you are on the air? So how is life? How have you been? How is the rash?"

15 -- Bill collectors. Especially the ones who say, "please call back. I can't help you unless I talk to you."

16 -- Parents who talk about their children as if they are completely flawless, the center of the universe, the most perfect kids ever created, then after about 30 minutes ask..."How are your kids?" And before you can answer, they jump right back in with, "oh, I forgot to tell you what mine did the other night..."

17 -- Radio talk show hosts. No, the other guys...

18 -- *People who tell you that wherever they live is better than wherever you live, because they are there and you are not. (*-Except Canadians and Aussies. Canada and Australia really ARE better. So I am told)

19 -- Whoever invented porn sites. Well, the ones that DON'T charge.

20 -- People who borrow your newspaper, take it to the restroom, spread it out on the floor, bring it back with water and brown spots, and return it to you.

Feel free to share some of your favorites...

"Dude, you are at Weezer"

That was the text I got from my brother Patrick when I texted him from the Weezer show. It was in response to me saying, "this is the dorkiest concert crowd I have ever seen."

I don't know what I expected. But I did not expect to walk into a dorm at Rice.

My buddies Gina the Horse Babe, Jason the Music God, and C-Squared went to the show Thursday night. We were by far the four coolest people in the building. (I mean, we usually are, but this was a landslide. This was Texas over Florida Atlantic).

At some point, C-Squared, Jason and myself decided we could kick the crap out of 95 percent of the men there. Most concerts, that percentage is closer to 50-55. We're old. (Well, I am).

Dude, you are at Weezer.

And the women? Well, they could kick the men's butts, too.

This was a crowd that would have gone to see Rush back in the day. Or Yes.

Or...Asia.

Dorky guys who can't get dates. (No comments from the audience, please. Especially you, Virtual Val. I see a smart aleck response coming from 1,000 miles away).

So the show itself was awesome. The company was terrific. The Horse Babe rating everyone was worth the admission.

But the people?

I had an exchange with a dork in the bathroom. I somehow said out loud that it was the dorkiest collection of dudes I had ever seen.

He replied in a whiny, high-pitched voice. "I hope you don't mean ME."

"Yes, dude. I mean EXACTLY you."

What happened afterward will not become public knowledge.

But the Dungeons and Dragons crowd was out in full force.

Memo to the dorkos: The songs are SARCASTIC. They are not your theme songs. Weezer has a sense of humor. You do not.

Then again...Troublemaker IS kind of my theme song.

Dude, you are at Weezer.

And the opening act -- Angels and Airwaves -- was horrible. They had the energy of a sea sponge. The lead singer (formerly of Blink 182) got all rock and roll on us near the of the set and threatened to "bring the f---ing roof off the f---ing place."

Um, Ike already did that, dude. And your wimpy little song wouldn't have brought the roof off a roach motel.

Hmmm...in retrospect, maybe HE was the dude in the bathroom...

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As promised, a couple new things to check out: I am now doing a sports blog on examiner.com. Examiner.com is a brilliant idea -- it is a national Web site with local writers hitting topics of interest in the towns you care about. I will be the general Houston sports examiner, so it will be things of interest in the Houston sports world. Please check it out at http://www.examiner.com/x-1519-Houston-Sports-Examiner (It should be active very soon. I get paid per click, so even if it's not your bag, help a brother out?) It will have a much different tone from this blog. It will be more analysis and sports insight. This will continue to be about the freaks in my life. And as always, please click on the ads on this page. They pay for the blog.

We also now have a daily update on the Ticket's Website at www.975theticket.com where you can read about upcoming guests and goings-on each day on the Ticket.

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On a serious note...As some of you might know, Sam Houston Race Park will not be doing a live thoroughbred meet this year. There were a lot of implications in the local media that the track simply did not want to run the meet and that the damage wasn't as bad as management implied. That is simply not the case.

No one wanted that meet canceled. It's unfortunate for a lot of reasons. Some good people -- and good friends -- might not have jobs.

But there was simply no choice.

It sucks that we won't have live racing. But blame Ike, not the track
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Finally, thanks to everyone for reading and participating in this blog. You guys are creative as hell and you always keep me laughing. Not sure what I would do without you. Much love, my friends.