Tuesday, November 25, 2008

So thanks for...nothing? Represent your country!

So it is Thanksgiving week in the States. A holiday where we celebrate a bunch of Puritans making nice with Native Americans, then later stealing their land, horses, trinkets, women, buffalo and anything else they could get their hands on.
It is a tactic that has been employed ever since, especially when it comes to American women. They make nice, then steal everything you have.
But we digress.
This is a happy time, a time for giving thanks for all the wonderful things in our lives.
So, let's see, there's...uh...um...er....
OK, so it hasn't been the best year. I guess we should look for the things we're thankful we're NOT.

1) I am thankful I am not on death row. I mean, if they ever found that rotted, decaying body buried in that playground...

2) I am thankful I am not a bank or the stock market.

3) I am thankful I am not old. Well, never mind on that one.

4) I am thankful that I don't know any pervert priests.*

(*-see short story on prior post).

5) I am thankful I don't have a fanny, as it were.

6) I am NOT thankful that football season is nearly over. And that I think Rice is going to beat the Cougars.

7) I am NOT thankful for torn PCLs.

8) I am NOT thankful for hurricanes.

9) I am NOT thankful for people who don't return phone calls or emails.

10) I AM thankful for transvestites, evil clowns, spider monkeys, goofy Facebook statuses, language barriers, naked animals, bad movies, thongs (on strippers and sumo wrestlers ONLY), bearded women and all assorted circus freaks, Vern Troyer, sexy grandmas, flying dogs, devils needing penis enlargement, and anything else that gets me funny looks when I drop it into seemingly normal conversations. It occurred to me I am not very funny without you guys.
So thanks for that, too.


OK, the real things to be thankful for are two awesome kids, my brothers, mom and my grandmother, and all the cool people who keep life fun in H Town...The Chris Cs, Curtis Ps, The horse babe/Jason P entry, big Abel, the 1560 guys, El Deano, Michael the Mouth, Scotty S, Jerry the Man, No Fold, D Bounds, Super Sue, Rocket, Bern and Trish and everybody else I am forgetting who always picks up the phone when I call. Or returns my emails.

In the end, isn't that what matters?

Some other stuff:

1) Jack Daniels. Or Jim Beam, depending on the mood.

2) Shinedown. Or Linkin Park, depending on the mood.

3) All in with Aces against kings pre-flop, until the inevitable king on the turn. (Thanks for nothing, Poker Stars).

4) Making people laugh without dressing up like Little Bo Peep.

5) Making people laugh when I DO dress up like Little Bo Peep.

And most importantly, all the cool folks from all over the world who read this blog and click on the ads, which helps keep me in Jack Daniels and Jim Beam. I'm too broke to travel anymore, but you guys bring a little of the world to me every day. For that, I am eternally grateful to all of you. Much love.


And finally...

The beauty of this blog is that so many of you spark the ideas. It's as much a community blog as it is me, which is a good thing, because you are all smarter than me. (At least most of you are).

Actually, when I first started this, a lot of the ideas came from chatting with Val. So she is sort of the unofficial conscience of the blog. She has even contributed a few ideas (not the funny ones. Those are mine).

Since then, many of you have suggested great ideas. Sometimes the ideas were great and my execution sucked. Sometimes we made them work.

The Canadians dominated for a while. Then the Aussies. Of late, the English have had the best ideas. (Especially Awesome Joy and Vikki the dazzling Brit).

The Americans? Not so much.

All this is a nice way of challenging you to throw me some fresh ideas. The best stuff always gets repurposed for our radio shows, which helps keep me employed.

Whoever has the best idea...well, I will publicly admit you are smarter than me, and that your country is by far the best in the world. (Not you, Val. Everybody else).

Just make sure it has nothing to do with Puritans and Native Americans...


And another blog I would like to recommend: http://gadfly-waywardthoughts.blogspot.com/


Dana said...

Geez...thought you were getting sensitive on me there for a while. My life is too boring ( if you discount falling down enmbankments, chapters 1 - 5 of bad dates, etc.) to make amusing fodder for your blog. You come up with great stuff on your own! Keep up the great blogs (Brad is jonesing for more reading material from you). And you can be sure that all of us "normal" people are thankful that we have you to tell our weird crap to, and you never judge (at least not out loud). Happy Thanksgiving dude!

Brandy Rose said...

I am NOT thankful for evil clowns! Bad evil clown, bad!

Will Faour said...

1)I am NOT thankful that they torture at my school.
2)I am NOT thankful that I transferred to BYDS.
3)I am thankful that you are my dad. NOT! Just kidding. I am.

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