Wednesday, June 24, 2009

I have a confession: I have been streaking

OK, we all have secret pleasures. (And no, I don't mean fantasies. Those are different. Most of mine involve a hot tub and a certain hot Canadian chick. But that's none of your business).

A secret pleasure is much different. Stuff like ice cream. Chocolate-covered termites. Dressing up like Bea Arthur and performing in burlesque shows. (Wait a minute, maybe that's a fantasy).

Regardless, I have a new pleasure. Actually, it's not really a pleasure, so much as an addiction.

It is ESPN's Streak For The Cash.

It is a simple game, and best of all, it's free.

Pick 27 in a row and you win a million bucks. Nothing to it, right?

Except my longest streak is five.

The beauty of streak for the cash is that it involves every sport known to mankind. You simply pick one way or the other.

In cricket, I blew a streak on Sri Lanka vs. Pakistan.

I also made a terrible error in lacrosse, when I took Virginia over Cornell.

Today's picks include stuff like who will record more aces at Wimbledon? Sam Querrey of the U.S. or Marin Cilic of Croatia? For the record, 69.9 percent of the world has selected Querrey.

Oh yes, soccer. Spain wins by two goals or more vs. the U.S., or U.S. wins, or loses by one goal. 54.8 percent of the world is on Spain's side there.

I can't wait for tonight, when I can pick who will be ahead after five innings -- the Phillies or Rays.

There was even one where you could pick the over/under on number of letters in the freaking spelling bee.

I am addicted. Rugby. College softball. Badminton. Name your sport, I am streaking it.

Maybe we could create a streak for the cash involving entertainers.

Who is the next actor to have a meltdown that shows up on Youtube?

Alec Baldwin

Christian Bale

Which actor's next movie will be the bigger bomb?

Adam Sandler

Mike Myers

What has been actor will jump start his or her career with an animated voice role first?

George Clooney

Sean Penn

Who will be killed first by an angry, Gargoyle-disguised person?

Flo the Progressive Insurance Girl

The Most Interesting Man in the world

Which country will Obama bomb first?


North Korea

So I am taking Bale, Myer, Clooney, Flo and none of the above.

Back to my real game. There is golf tomorrow. I'm liking Hunter Mahan to have a lower front nine score than Paul Goydos.

I think I need help.

Monday, June 15, 2009

So that's what I am to you, AirTran? Luggage? I have had it with these (expletive) dogs, on this (expletive) plane...

So I hadn't been to Canada since 1996 for the Breeders' Cup. I really didn't remember much about it, except the old Maple Leaf Gardens was awesome, and I never could get the hang of that kilometers instead of mph thing.

I still can't. I see "100" on a speed limit sign, and I am going all Jeff Gordon. Besides, those little numbers on the speedometer are little for a reason, right?

I have encountered as significant number of freaks, because that's what I do. However, I have been overwhelmed by how cool all the people are. Not just the folks we've been hanging with -- shout out to Theresa and Dave for being awesome! -- but the people in general, especially around the border towns. Fred represents H town at Woodbine with the hottie. Photo take by Norm the Awesome Canadian handicapper.

Everything has been awesome so far, especially getting to meet Norm and Michelle and Danny and his family. We also met Doug and Helena, Gary and Alex, and Jim and Diane, all of whom make great drinking amigos.

And, of course, the Canadian hottie has been awesome as always.

I'll have more later on Niagara Falls and my trips to Woodbine, my new favorite racetrack. And the goofiest rental car ever.
Fred represents the Ticket and UH at the Falls
, from the Canadian side. I saw an Aggie.

But for now, I would be remiss not to share my freak show trip getting here.

I've always liked Southwest Airlines. No frills, but flies everywhere I want to go and I have never had any real issues with them, except the time I almost died landing in New Orleans. But I forgave them for that.

Continental is my favorite, but they don't fly out of Hobby, which is very close to where I live. So we are essentially divorced.

So I decided to try AirTran for the first time because it was an incredibly cheap fare -- even cheaper than Southwest. The plan was to fly into Buffalo, and drive to Toronto. Arrive about 11 that night and have an easy time, right?

First, the "really cheap fare" did not include the $15 for checking my bag. So my round trip went from $120 to $150. Since it was still less than Southwest, I could live with that.

Everything was fine until right before take-off, when were put on ground stop for the trip to Atlanta and plane change. Two hours we sat there because of alleged storms in Atlanta. OK, that's common travel fare. No worries.

We arrived in Atlanta two minutes after my next flight was scheduled to take off. I sprinted to the gate, where they were rushing everyone on board. (That flight was delayed, too).

We loaded.

And we waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Finally, someone from the airline came on and said the flight crew had been delayed in Chicago.

They would be here in about an hour.

An hour on top of the hour we had already sat there.

What airline puts people on the plane when its flight crew is still two hours away?

The flight attendants were rude, obnoxious , and told no one anything. They snapped when people asked questions. The would not respond to simple requests for water.

But that wasn't the weird part.

I tried to doze off, and suddenly I was snapped out of my semi-slumber by a noise.

Did somebody's kid just cough? Did somebody step on an infant?

"Tebow! Stop it!."

I admit, I was cranky, tired and confused, but a bark? Tebow?

"Tebow! Stop it!"

At that point it hit me.
There is a dog on the plane.

And she was talking to something that was barking.

Well, OK, so I couldn't really see the young lady, because she was in front of me.

But she had a dog in a small carrier. Barking. On a plane.

When did this start? What's wrong with the cage in the belly of the plane? What kind of airlines allows dogs?

Look, I love dogs. I get it when people really love dogs. But I would never bring a dog on an airplane.

Worse, the people next to the young lady got irritated, so she moved. To the seat behind me. Where "Tebow" was under my seat.

Tim Tebow would not like his namesake. He is small. He yaps like crazy, especially on takeoffs and landings. And he has a penchant for waking me up.

I can live with dirty airplanes that haven't been cleaned since the 1960s. I can live with long delays and not telling us what is going on. I can deal with being put on a plane for two hours before my flight crew arrives. I can even live with rude flight attendants who are pissed off they got turned down by Southwest.

But DOGS? On a plane?


At one point, I almost got up and went all Samuel L. on the dog.

"I have HAD IT with these m--------king Dogs, on this m--------king plane!"

Two can play at this game. I am bringing a tarantula on the way back. Lets see how long the pet policy lasts.

Southwest, I apologize for straying. It was a cheap, sordid affair. After Thursday, it won't happen again.

Unless you go dogs on me. Then I am riding in the belly with the luggage.

Just like I am doing now with AirTran.

Monday, June 8, 2009

I want my own Wikipedia page, dammit

First, please click on the ads above. You don't have to buy the clowns, but enough clicks and I get paid. Also, check out the Examiner commentary for sports takes. As always, show some love to Brandy, who is always entertaining as well as being hyper cool.


Will Faour read the post before this one and complained that he and Katie were not mentioned. You guys get run all the time. We interrupt your playing of Roblox or being on Youtube to say you just got your own paragraph. Happy?


I want to know how famous I need to be to get my own Wikipedia page. That is my new standard for success in life.

Clearly, I am a complete failure. Apparently, radio host/blogger/online columnist/former editor/degenerate is not enough to get me on Wiki.

What will it take?

Apparently, every Pope is on there, including this guy.

Pope Vigilius? Really? A dude who has been dead since 555?

Richard Justice
has a wiki page. He used to yell at me all the time when I was his boss. Is that fair?

Matt Dean has a wiki page. No, not THAT Matt Dean. Some Minnesota politician. He has a page. He is an architect. Great.

We brought this up on the show, and Rob Mungle called in. He, of course, has a wiki page. Yes, his bio is just one sentence: Robert Louis Mungle (Born 1968 in Houston, Texas) is an anime voice actor for ADV Films, he is also a stand-up comedian.

Rob said it was "no big deal. Anybody can be on there."

Anyone but me, apparently.

There are eight dudes named Bob Jones on there. EIGHT. One is a Christian Evangelist who founded Bob Jones University. Thanks to him, Bob Jr. and Bob III got wiki pages too, in the line of succession as President of Bob Jones U.

The other Bob Joneses include two baseball players, a New Zealand tycoon, a Texas businessman and a member of the U.S. House of Representatives.

But no Fred Faour. In fact, no Faours at all.

We do, however, have a wiki page for ESPN 97.5 The Ticket. It mentions Put Up Your Dukes with Carl Dukes. It mentions Calvin Murphy. It even mentions Julie Takahashi.

No Front Page. No Fred Faour or Matt Dean (the radio star, not the architect).

Will offered to create one for me after I die. So great. I won't be able to enjoy my moderate fame if I am dead.

The are nine Jim Smiths. There are 28 Mike Joneses, including a canoeist, new age pianist and a personal trainer who allegedly had an affair with evangelical preacher Ted Arthur Haggard.

So, apparently, if you are an Evangelist, you not only get a page, but anyone you do gets a page as well.

There are nine Valerie pages, even one about the name itself. There are 27 Fred pages, but apparently the name is not interesting enough to get its own page.

One Fred was a Vermont farmer who simply ran for senate. Another Fred was "one of Joe's two best friends in the animated series Time Warp Trio." Just one of two best friends? Apparently, Fred is not worthy of being a best friend on his own.

The biggest insult? There are 27 Barts. Even my haters are all over Wiki.

I am going to make it to Wiki one day. If I have to run for senate, become an Evangelist or let it be rumored that I had an affair with an Evangelist.

Or I could just die. Then Will could make a page for me, and Bart would be happy.

Until then, I will just have to settle for this. Or maybe this.

Sorry, it's not enough. I want my own Wiki page, dammit.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

A thank you, and a birthday gift

So please click on the ads you see to the left. Another 1,000 clicks and I will get paid. You don't have to buy the clown costume, but please help a brother out.

And follow me on twitter as Gargoyle409. (If you have to ask why I am Gargoyle409, you don't read this anyway).

Also, please check out my Examiner sports commentary and tell your friends. I get paid per click, there, too. Support a degenerate. Click early and often.


So many of you know Virtual Val, the Canadian hottie. Many of you have actually met her. Some of you know her as the funny, sarcastic voice on the other end of the computer.

What you probably don't know is that she might be the coolest person ever. Funny? Yes. Sarcastic as hell? Check. Mischievous? Yep. Downright evil in a good way? Probably.

Well, V V turns 40 today. As I recall from that RECENT milestone, that is when you become officially old.

Well, Val is anything but old. She has the energy and outlook of a teen-ager; the appearance of a 26-year-old; and the wisdom of...well, a 40-year-old.

Anyway, I am very lucky to have her in my life. Those of you who actually know her also know how lucky I am.

I have been extremely fortunate the last two years. Even with everything that went wrong, I made so many new and incredible friends...working with Matt the Superstar, the 1560 guys...Dana B...Dwain C..Plus all my friends who were there all along: C squared, Curtis, Rocket...And my mom, my grandmother, my brothers...all of whom kept me going when things were the most bleak.

Maybe I am not as rich or powerful as I used to be, but I found what I was looking for -- happiness.

Val has had a lot to do with that, as you all have.

Thanks to all of you for being there. I promise to post something funny tomorrow, but for today, I just wanted to thank everybody.

And say happy birthday, young lady. Thanks for being part of my life.

(But you aren't a better poker player than me. Yet).