Monday, January 26, 2009

'I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.'

Pop quiz: Name the person who said that and win...well, nothing but my love and admiration...

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For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come.

-- William Shakespeare

So Brandy and I have been playing blog tennis lately, firing topics back and forth. She has been kicking my ass on a regular basis, so it was my turn to come up with something.

She has already done her entry. As usual, it's terrific.

Sadly, I feel like this is overtime in college football and she has already posted the touchdown. (Sorry, football withdrawal).

Because the end of football season in indeed like a death, I've been thinking about mortality a lot lately. Hence our topic, the best and worse ways to die. The idea was to pull it off without being morbid. So here we go:


5) Blowing yourself up while attempting to boil eggs.
OK, so glass explodes when you put it on a burner. Who knew? Thank God somebody called me and it exploded while I was in the other room. Otherwise they would still be picking bits of glass from my rotting flesh (sorry, too morbid). Yes, I am stupid. I'm still kind of new at this single old dude stuff.

4) Getting stepped on by Aubrey Coleman

(Gratuitous sports reference/attempt to drive you to my other blog. Made you look!).

3) Death by Jack Daniels.

No, wait, before you say that's a good death, this is in honor of the late Jack Daniel, whose death was colossally stupid. Daniel founded the famed Tennessee distillery. He died of blood poisoning, which in and of itself isn't that bad.

Except he got the blood poisoning by injuring his foot when he kicked a safe when he couldn't remember the lock's combination.

A sad end for the inventor of the greatest drink of our time. I vow not to kick any safes in anger.

Unless I am drunk. On Jack Daniels.

2) Death by Dungeons and Dragons.

Yes, the late Gary Gygax gave us a game that robbed many of us of our teen years, and some would argue our souls.

So most of us turned out OK (yeah, yeah, insert punchline here). But we did play with some weirdos. What if 25 years later, one of them showed up with a samurai sword and cut you in half? With no warning? That would suck.

And there is a precedent

Look, I am apologizing now for whacking Balthazar the Brave, Morgon the Magnificent, Zupherious the Somewhat Paranoid, Franklin the Disco Freak, Airdrie the Awesome, Nick the Not so Awesome, Duncan the Dismal Druid and Rex the Flatulent. (OK, Rex had it coming).

Memo: They were not real. Get over it. I'm sorry I killed your phony magic users. It was just part of the game. Put the sword away and see a therapist.

1) Death by elephant anus.

It would start by getting your arm stuck in an elephant with -- um, erectile disfunction -- while trying to massage the elephant's prostate by reaching into his rectum. Then, the elephant gets angry and goes on stampede, while you flail hopelessly behind, eventually being sucked completely inside and suffocating. (Hmmm...too morbid again? Perhaps).

I fear the elephant will haunt me forever.


5) The Russell Crowe in Gladiator Death.

He gets to kill the bad guy, wrap everything up, become a hero in death and everyone forgets that Russell Crowe is actually a world-class jerk in real life and about as heroic and admirable as Ted Bundy. This would be a great way to go; if they make a sequel, I want in.

4) The Will Smith in I am Legend Death.

He saves humanity as we know it, and blows up in a fiery blast. Can't beat that. Yes, the movie sucked, but if you can pick an awesome way to go, it's hard to top that. We will try anyway.

3) The Ken Lay Death.

So I am about to go to prison for the rest of my life? I have a better idea. Go on vacation first and drop dead of a heart attack. Live the life, help ruin the economy, bail out before you have to pay. I'm in!

2) The Jim Morrison Death. I mean, what would be better? Fake your own death and disappear, walk the earth like Jules in Pulp Fiction, and eventually die just outside Austin, Texas, near the lake, staring out over the water, with everyone thinking you are really just a retired old dude named Bart Savage.

(Disclaimer: This is in no way an indication that if I were to pass away under, um, suspicious circumstances....well, don't look for Bart Savage in Austin. No way I use that name).


1) The Big Public Assassination Death.

It would be so cool to be important enough for someone to want to whack you publicly. And not a Postal Worker-type disgruntled ex-employee thing; a true assassination.

I would be making an appearance to raise money for my campaign for the Degenerate Party, or at a book signing, or playing a concert with Shinedown and the Peppers. And some former D&D player who snapped will listen to Linkin Park backwards and hear voices in it that tell him to assassinate me to "free the D&D demons" and to show his undying love for Ellen Degeneres, if she would just change teams.

Then my career would REALLY take off.

Is that too morbid?

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

If we are going to change the world, let's at least be original

While most of America was transfixed on Obama's inauguration today, I was more interested in the commentators.

It's amazing to me how much the news fossils try to be sportscasters on days like this.

Which means -- of course -- they trot out every cliche known to man.

There are entire books devoted to cliches. So you would think that some of these TV morons would know not to say Obama will "take the bull by the horns."

Or that he wasn't putting all his "eggs in one basket."


You sure about that? Maybe Obama shouldn't "Rock the boat." Maybe he should "go with the flow."

In my opinion, he is caught between "a rock and a hard place."

At least he's not "foot loose and fancy free."

(If they had gotten on Michelle's dress, they would say, "you only hurt the one you love." I mean, really. What was that lime green? She looked like a giant sherbet box. Half of America wanted its vote back).

If Obama -- who has a sports background -- starts dropping sports cliches on us, I'm going nuts.

Im mean, what if he plans to take over the world by taking it, "one country at a time?"

Will it take a "total team effort" for the U.S. to "overcome adversity?" But certainly, Obama has to believe "our guys will step up."

Regardless, I am just hopeful that we will "win as a country, and lose as a country."

After that first victory, hopefully the war won't be "a lot closer than the score indicates."

No matter what, we expect Obama to give "110 percent." Besides, "records are made to be broken."

Finally, if you hate this post, well...

It is what it is.


Quick addendum: OK, many people have told me the dress was gold. Fine. It was still hideous no matter how you slice it.

The other major concern? The Obamas can't dance. That, frankly, was completely brutal.

What's a good cliche for that? Oh yeah, two left feet. Although in this case, make it four.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Everybody wants to rule the I will

First, please check out my Examiner blog at Even if you aren't a big sports fan, you might find this one interesting. Feel free to comment on it and call me an idiot. If not, please just click on it. My numbers have sucked lately.


Quick congrats to Steve Campbell, who is braver than all of us and got engaged. He is a terrific dude and I miss working with him. Congrats to Steve and his wonderful daughter, Olivia.

So Awesome Brandy had another fun idea for a blog-off: What would we do if we ruled the world? So I will give mine, and then she's up. Hers will be much better. (Then I have to come up with a clever idea for the both of us. So far, all the ideas are hers. Yeah, I know, Val, women are smarter...).

And I am thinking perhaps Awesome Brandy the Blogging Goddess (ABBG) for a new nickname, replacing Awesome Brandy. What do you guys think?

Yet another shameless plug for her blog, Slapdash Thinking.

Regardless, time to rule the world (Campbell writes my acceptance speech):

This is a big responsibility. Would I be serious? Funny? A tyrant? A wise leader?

OK, probably all of the above, minus the seriousness and wise leader bit. So here we go:

No. 1: My first act would be to decree..."All children under 16 years old are now... 16 years old!"

(OK, sorry, gratuitous reference to Woody Allen's Bananas, which seems to be what comes to mind when I think of ruling the world. That and the horribly annoying "Everybody wants to rule the world" by Tears for Fears. Or, more appropriately, R.E.M.'s "It's the end of the world as we know it...and I feel fine."

Thanks for sticking all that in my head, Brandy.

OK, let's try again...

No. 1A: Invade the moon. As a planet, we need an initiative we can all get behind and support. We need an easy victory to prove we are one world united against the universe. By taking over the moon, we don't have to kill anyone and we feel good about ourselves as a planet.

No. 2: Assign all politicians, elevator trolls and other assorted scumbags to "occupy" the moon for us. And forget to send them enough supplies. (Do you like the the way I just casually justified mass, um, "cleansing?" Isn't that what great dictators, er, politicians, do?)

No. 3: Replace the National Anthem with Kid Rock's "American Badass" and make it the official anthem of the earth.

No. 4: Declare that American football must be played in some form or fashion 365 days a year. (I would declare the same for soccer for our other international friends, but they already do that).

No. 5: I would make Thursday "Whack the Knucklehead Day." We would have an international vote, and whoever wins would get whacked on television in a Running Man-style hunting game.
"This Thursday on Whack the Knucklehead, vote on Madonna, Michael Jackson, Fabio and everyone on American Idol! The winner gets hunted down and killed on air by Arnold Scharzenegger dressed as the Terminator!"

No. 6: OK, this is really starting to sound like a dictatorship. Let's lighten it up. Friday afternoon is "Everyone does Patron shots, performs drunk live music and passes out" day. Government grants available.

No. 7: Declare Patrick Stewart my Director of Space Development, just so I can hear him say, "engage." And I get to call him "No. 1" in a derisive tone just to see how he likes it for a change.

(Actually, as world leader, I would be a lot like Q in The Next Generation series. Kind of the Loki, mischievous demi-god type. But we digress).

No. 8: Rule that Slapdash Thinking is required reading for all college classes, even Calculus. (Don't you love the way I seamlessly drop in plugs for Brandy?)

No. 9: Have someone lose weight and do my workout for me. And have someone type in my Facebook status for me. "Fred is ruling the world. Take that, haters. You might wind up on Whack the Knucklehead Day. Or disappearing in a bag ala V for Vendetta."

No. 10: Pay for the greatest inaugural ball ever, hosted by Sparkles the Evil Clown. Everybody from all over the would be there....We would clear out an old missile silo, decorate it with trees and brush, fill it with spider monkeys, peregrine falcons, mice and duck-billed platypi (for the Aussies). And the Patron shots will flow like wine.

We would serve fajitas and everybody would get a signed photo of Sparkles.

We would bring in our own police cars and have a demolition derby. Then I would attempt to jump a motorcycle over Star Jones. And we would bring in fire trucks and have a parade, like we had just won the Super Bowl.

Then we all dress as scary clowns and terrorize women and small children. (whoops, sorry, that's a personal thing. Please ignore it).

Then we have the biggest concert ever.

I would hire Shinedown to be my opening act, then the Chili Peppers to be my backup band while we did the greatest show in history and I ended it with a kick ass rap/metal version of Everybody Wants to Rule the World. (With American Badass as the encore, with Kid Rock joining me on stage. But I don't let him have the microphone, because I rule the world and he is just a lowly musician).

Then all the cool women I know will get up and do drunk poetry and throw poison darts at Sparkles The Evil Clown. Then we do drunker karaoke until everybody passes out.

Then, when I wake up, I declare world peace. Anyone who starts wars or other trouble is killed as the opening act on "Whack The Knucklehead Day."

Once that was done, I would declare that Val, Trish, Bernie, Patrick, Vikki, Joy, Min, Hu, C-squared, The horse babe, Jason, D, MC Gelding, Danny and AM each get to rule Anarctica for a day.

Then I would suddenly disappear, walking the earth like Jules in Pulp Fiction, leaving this world leadership thing to Brandy.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Let's place some ads!

First, a quick plea to check out my sports blog at Need help with my numbers on that one.

And my standard gratuitous plug for Brandy's blog...

And please click on the ads for both of us.

But do it at your own risk.

It's amazing what pops up on google ads on all of our blogs. The same thing happens on gmail; if you send me an email that mentions going to the dentist, I will get 20 ads for dentists.

The Ex is a lawyer. Every time I get an email from her work address, I also get 20 ads from "lawyers in Houston," "corporate lawyers," etc.

Brandy, whose blog is Slapdash Thinking, sent me an email. The top ad was for "Slapstick Classes NYC."

Thanks, but I will pass.

One the last entry, I mentioned scary clowns. (Well, Brandy did).

The ad on my blog?

"Clowns. Payasos. Santa, Book a Clown or Santa Claus Show Or Rent the Costumes!"

I now know where to get my clown costumes --!

Another recent post brought an ad for Chinese mail order brides. Out of curiosity, I had to click.

I found some potential brides. Sort of.

Nam is 30 and likes men who cry. Guess that rules me out.

Wang from Beijing is 26 and wants an older man who knows where he is going in life.

Well, I'm halfway there. According to the ad, she is "ready to serve you."

Great. I will take a Jack and Diet coke, please.

Recently, on Facebook, I saw an ad that said "date a model! These models are looking for high-class men. Go to!"

Um, warning, lonely men. "Model" could mean anything, including "private modeling in your hotel room."

They charge for that. (So I have heard).

(And I've dated real models. They are waaaaayyyyy overrated).

Another personal favorite:

"10 mistakes guys make with women -- the 10 most dangerous mistakes you probably make with women and what to do about them."

I'm guessing trying to date a model online would be No. 1 on that list. Ordering a Chinese bride would be No. 2.

(In my case, speaking to them is probably high on the list, too. Bad things happen. But we digress).

My new goal is when I send an email to people with gmail, I am planning to drop in a word that will bring a totally inappropriate ad without the email being obvious.

Alas, there will likely be some disappointments. The best "dickweed" brought was "DILLIGAF Store."

As for "Spider monkey?"

Search that one for yourself....

Send me your favorite Facebook/Google ads. We will see who can come up with the goofiest one.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Thanks to Brandy, we are playing Q&A

One of my favorite virtual amigas is Awesome Brandy, who has a TERRIFIC blog. (Hint to the non-Internet savvy: click on that link and it takes you right to it. Clever, huh? And click on the google ads for both of us, please.) When I begged for help on Facebook, she suggested a meme -- a Q&A between bloggers. The beauty of it was she didn't know if I was serious and I didn't know if she was serious. Which is a perfect reason to do it. (I'm guessing her answers will be much funnier. I will be sending her questions shortly).

Hopefully you will find this one amusing. And be sure to thank Brandy -- she spared you a poignant, depressing ramble that was coming on the heels of some brutally bad news that will likely spell the end of Freddy's World as we know it.

(Fortunately that will wait until another day).

Remember, these are her questions. She allegedly had a collaborator. The answers are mine. (See how easy it is to be a blogger?)

As The Joker says...




Question 1: Where did your unnatural fascination with creepy clowns come from?

Answer: Those clowns are sexy, not creepy! And it started with Poltergeist, of course. Wasn't that clown the coolest ever? And I WILL be a clown next Halloween. Well, DRESSED as a clown, as it were. A scary, sexy clown.

2. If you were a monkey, what kind would you be?

A: A spider monkey, of course. With the um, er, "equipment" of a gorilla.

3. If you could have an alias of your choosing, what would it be and why?

A: I would be The Gargoyle, a polite criminal with a dazzling English accent. (Think Geico lizard). The Gargoyle would be a bank robber dressed as -- of course, a gargoyle (a fat one though, since I would be covered in kevlar).

The Gargoyle would bring back the gentleman-like, Romantic criminal mindset of the Old West (Think Owen Wilson in the Shanghai movies) and casually flirt with all the women as he robbed the bank, then disappeared in a cloud of knockout gas that puts everyone to sleep.

Except me, of course, because my Gargoyle face would be equipped with a gas mask.

Never mind the gas; my blog is putting everyone to sleep...

4. What is your worst bad habit?

A: I am VERY good at ALL of my bad habits.

5. What is your favorite item in the world? Why?

A: A little box with my name on it my kids gave me for father's day once. It reminds me that I didn't always suck as a human being. Damn, that seems like a long time ago. Help, funny question, please! I am being sucked into a poignant moment! Aaaaargggghhh!!!

6. If you hate the usage of U's (as the rest of the English-speaking world uses them) How come you spell your name FaoUr?

A: Faour is a majestic name of Syrian/Lebanese descent. Some of the greatest Iraqi generals under Hussein (OK, one) shared that name. It is an honorable name, rare with its three consecutive vowels. I love the name. (Although "Freddy...a.k.a. The Gargoyle" has a nice ring).

I HATE u's in words that don't need them. Humour, for instance. It's HUMOR, dammit. Not HU-MO-U-R!

7. Are the freaks attracted to you, or is it really that you are attracted to freaks?

A: Yes

8. How do you deal with a troll...I mean, negative person?

A: Try to make them laugh. Failing that, laugh at them (then duck). Face it: in life, there are only three types of people. Cool folks, trolls and Politicians. I laugh WITH the first, AT the second and run like hell from the third.

9. Can you guess the collaborator of this questionnaire?

A: It's either Osama bin Laden, George W. Bush, Alex Rodriguez, Ronaldinho, Pope Benedict, Michael Jackson or Kermit the Frog. (Didn't think I could get those seven in a single sentence fragment, did you?)

10. Have you enjoyed this meme (Q & A chainletter like thing for bloggers...however this one being specifically for you...)?

A: Hell yes! Spared me from coming up with another idea! And spared everyone else a poignant look at life that would have depressed all of us.


So there you have it. Check out Brandy's blog for hers. (Linky thing again! Cool! Don't you love the constant, shameless plugs for Brandy's blog? It's called Slapdash Thinking. Check it out by clicking here!).

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

OK, so we will create our own freak show...

It is well established that I am a freak magnet. Just combine P.T. Barnum, an Ozzy concert and an animal nudity convention and that represents the type of weirdo that seems to seek me out on a regular basis.

But I have not been out much lately, so I haven't had a freak encounter in forever.

Obviously, I haven't been on enough elevators lately either.

Sadly, my life has become alarmingly normal, which frankly is pretty disturbing in and of itself. You can blame Virtual Val for that. Isn't everything her fault?

Hence the lack of posts here recently. Most of my time has been spent on my sports blog ( Good stuff if you like college football, the Texans, or bagging on the Astros. But there aren't a lot of amusing freak encounters there. No elephant women, no elevator trolls.

So I was reduced to asking for ideas for this blog on Facebook. Fortunately, several folks had outstanding suggestions. So I just thought I would use them all:

Jesus Bernie suggested I write about friends and family meeting love interests.

Why is it that no matter what you do, there is at least one person in your family who will hate whoever you bring in? ("She's too cute. She's too ugly. She's too skinny. She's too fat. She's too opinionated. She's too quiet. She's too aloof. She's too outgoing. She's too sleazy. She's too prim.")

(Women, feel free to insert "he" in there).

That family member then inspires two or three other people to hate him/her as well.

Then, whenever that person is out of the mix and a new one comes in, what is the No. 1 line?

"I wish he/she was more like the last one."


Val suggested I mention people you meet, promise to add to Facebook and then forget their names.

But if you can't remember their last names, do you really want them to know your status when you put something on there like, "Fred is having a bad day and thinking it might be time to go postal on his co-workers with a machete and some super glue?"

They might not realize you aren't serious. Well, not REAL serious...


Aunt Betty suggests worst blind dates or worst haircut.

The worst haircut for me is easy. In high school, the initiation was to get your head shaved. I was given an awesome mohawk. With a mini mullet. It was awesome stuff.

Fortunately no pictures exist that I know of, although I am sure Betty will find one.

Worst blind date is equally easy. Stevie Wonder and I had a horrible time. He just isn't my type. Brilliant musician, but he is a terrible kisser. (Ugh, that was weak. Can't believe I didn't delete that).

That would lead me to Trish d'lish's suggestion of strikeouts/great past swing and misses. Stevie would probably count in that one, too.

Actually, the worst blind date was the one who ordered four $80 glasses of wine before I realized how much they cost and suggested maybe she'd had enough.

As for strikeouts? Heck, Trish, what makes you think I ever miss?


And finally, Brandy....your turn!


Tomorrow I promise to spend all day on an elevator and just observe. It should provide months of material for the blog. If not, I will just ask you guys again. Great stuff all! Thanks!