Monday, January 26, 2009

'I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.'

Pop quiz: Name the person who said that and win...well, nothing but my love and admiration...

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For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come.

-- William Shakespeare

So Brandy and I have been playing blog tennis lately, firing topics back and forth. She has been kicking my ass on a regular basis, so it was my turn to come up with something.

She has already done her entry. As usual, it's terrific.

Sadly, I feel like this is overtime in college football and she has already posted the touchdown. (Sorry, football withdrawal).

Because the end of football season in indeed like a death, I've been thinking about mortality a lot lately. Hence our topic, the best and worse ways to die. The idea was to pull it off without being morbid. So here we go:


5) Blowing yourself up while attempting to boil eggs.
OK, so glass explodes when you put it on a burner. Who knew? Thank God somebody called me and it exploded while I was in the other room. Otherwise they would still be picking bits of glass from my rotting flesh (sorry, too morbid). Yes, I am stupid. I'm still kind of new at this single old dude stuff.

4) Getting stepped on by Aubrey Coleman

(Gratuitous sports reference/attempt to drive you to my other blog. Made you look!).

3) Death by Jack Daniels.

No, wait, before you say that's a good death, this is in honor of the late Jack Daniel, whose death was colossally stupid. Daniel founded the famed Tennessee distillery. He died of blood poisoning, which in and of itself isn't that bad.

Except he got the blood poisoning by injuring his foot when he kicked a safe when he couldn't remember the lock's combination.

A sad end for the inventor of the greatest drink of our time. I vow not to kick any safes in anger.

Unless I am drunk. On Jack Daniels.

2) Death by Dungeons and Dragons.

Yes, the late Gary Gygax gave us a game that robbed many of us of our teen years, and some would argue our souls.

So most of us turned out OK (yeah, yeah, insert punchline here). But we did play with some weirdos. What if 25 years later, one of them showed up with a samurai sword and cut you in half? With no warning? That would suck.

And there is a precedent

Look, I am apologizing now for whacking Balthazar the Brave, Morgon the Magnificent, Zupherious the Somewhat Paranoid, Franklin the Disco Freak, Airdrie the Awesome, Nick the Not so Awesome, Duncan the Dismal Druid and Rex the Flatulent. (OK, Rex had it coming).

Memo: They were not real. Get over it. I'm sorry I killed your phony magic users. It was just part of the game. Put the sword away and see a therapist.

1) Death by elephant anus.

It would start by getting your arm stuck in an elephant with -- um, erectile disfunction -- while trying to massage the elephant's prostate by reaching into his rectum. Then, the elephant gets angry and goes on stampede, while you flail hopelessly behind, eventually being sucked completely inside and suffocating. (Hmmm...too morbid again? Perhaps).

I fear the elephant will haunt me forever.


5) The Russell Crowe in Gladiator Death.

He gets to kill the bad guy, wrap everything up, become a hero in death and everyone forgets that Russell Crowe is actually a world-class jerk in real life and about as heroic and admirable as Ted Bundy. This would be a great way to go; if they make a sequel, I want in.

4) The Will Smith in I am Legend Death.

He saves humanity as we know it, and blows up in a fiery blast. Can't beat that. Yes, the movie sucked, but if you can pick an awesome way to go, it's hard to top that. We will try anyway.

3) The Ken Lay Death.

So I am about to go to prison for the rest of my life? I have a better idea. Go on vacation first and drop dead of a heart attack. Live the life, help ruin the economy, bail out before you have to pay. I'm in!

2) The Jim Morrison Death. I mean, what would be better? Fake your own death and disappear, walk the earth like Jules in Pulp Fiction, and eventually die just outside Austin, Texas, near the lake, staring out over the water, with everyone thinking you are really just a retired old dude named Bart Savage.

(Disclaimer: This is in no way an indication that if I were to pass away under, um, suspicious circumstances....well, don't look for Bart Savage in Austin. No way I use that name).


1) The Big Public Assassination Death.

It would be so cool to be important enough for someone to want to whack you publicly. And not a Postal Worker-type disgruntled ex-employee thing; a true assassination.

I would be making an appearance to raise money for my campaign for the Degenerate Party, or at a book signing, or playing a concert with Shinedown and the Peppers. And some former D&D player who snapped will listen to Linkin Park backwards and hear voices in it that tell him to assassinate me to "free the D&D demons" and to show his undying love for Ellen Degeneres, if she would just change teams.

Then my career would REALLY take off.

Is that too morbid?


Brandy Rose said...

That elephant woman has no idea what she's done to your sanity does she?

You are bloody awesome Fred!

Skeeter said...


Those are some strange and interesting ways to check out.

Best wishes,


Dana said...

just be sure to sign a copy of your short stories before you walk behind that elephant!