Tuesday, January 6, 2009

OK, so we will create our own freak show...

It is well established that I am a freak magnet. Just combine P.T. Barnum, an Ozzy concert and an animal nudity convention and that represents the type of weirdo that seems to seek me out on a regular basis.

But I have not been out much lately, so I haven't had a freak encounter in forever.

Obviously, I haven't been on enough elevators lately either.

Sadly, my life has become alarmingly normal, which frankly is pretty disturbing in and of itself. You can blame Virtual Val for that. Isn't everything her fault?

Hence the lack of posts here recently. Most of my time has been spent on my sports blog (http://www.examiner.com/x-1519-Houston-Sports-Examiner). Good stuff if you like college football, the Texans, or bagging on the Astros. But there aren't a lot of amusing freak encounters there. No elephant women, no elevator trolls.

So I was reduced to asking for ideas for this blog on Facebook. Fortunately, several folks had outstanding suggestions. So I just thought I would use them all:

Jesus Bernie suggested I write about friends and family meeting love interests.

Why is it that no matter what you do, there is at least one person in your family who will hate whoever you bring in? ("She's too cute. She's too ugly. She's too skinny. She's too fat. She's too opinionated. She's too quiet. She's too aloof. She's too outgoing. She's too sleazy. She's too prim.")

(Women, feel free to insert "he" in there).

That family member then inspires two or three other people to hate him/her as well.

Then, whenever that person is out of the mix and a new one comes in, what is the No. 1 line?

"I wish he/she was more like the last one."


Val suggested I mention people you meet, promise to add to Facebook and then forget their names.

But if you can't remember their last names, do you really want them to know your status when you put something on there like, "Fred is having a bad day and thinking it might be time to go postal on his co-workers with a machete and some super glue?"

They might not realize you aren't serious. Well, not REAL serious...


Aunt Betty suggests worst blind dates or worst haircut.

The worst haircut for me is easy. In high school, the initiation was to get your head shaved. I was given an awesome mohawk. With a mini mullet. It was awesome stuff.

Fortunately no pictures exist that I know of, although I am sure Betty will find one.

Worst blind date is equally easy. Stevie Wonder and I had a horrible time. He just isn't my type. Brilliant musician, but he is a terrible kisser. (Ugh, that was weak. Can't believe I didn't delete that).

That would lead me to Trish d'lish's suggestion of strikeouts/great past swing and misses. Stevie would probably count in that one, too.

Actually, the worst blind date was the one who ordered four $80 glasses of wine before I realized how much they cost and suggested maybe she'd had enough.

As for strikeouts? Heck, Trish, what makes you think I ever miss?


And finally, Brandy....your turn!


Tomorrow I promise to spend all day on an elevator and just observe. It should provide months of material for the blog. If not, I will just ask you guys again. Great stuff all! Thanks!


Brandy Rose said...

Oh, so is that a yes? hehehe. You'll have to wait until I can find an exorcist for this cold.

Dana said...

I think you should stand in a parking lot or garage and take pics of all the idiots who park too close to other cars drivers side door....or park diagonally in a straight space! (can you tell I had a run in with one today?)


Patricia D'Licia said...

I liked her. I liked her plenty. Maybe I'll start lobbing vaguely sexual offers in her direction instead.

Perhaps next time you should discuss you foul balls. (Walked right into that pun, dintcha!)


Anonymous said...

Oh, and while I'm at it. . . I like that you call him "Jesus Bernie" those words are often heard together in my house, hell from my own mouth. SOmetimes it is in the context of "Aw Jesus, Bernie! WTF?!" and more often in the form of "O O O Jeeeeessssussss Bernie (unintelligble growling noises, followed by heavy sigh, and shortly after, gentle snoring)".

Might I suggest the catchier combo of "B-Jesus" as in "you are lucky he didn't embarrass the B-Jesus out of you this weekend."

Muchas smooches-

Valerie said...

I'm weirdly OK with vaguely sexual offers from Trish...

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