Monday, July 20, 2009

Naked mimes and other assorted weirdness...

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OK, it's a Monday. After watching the same movies over and over again this past weekend, I am frustrated. I need something new. Something fun. Something weird.

Maybe some new movies. Maybe a new sport. Maybe just something disturbing.

Maybe all of the above:

1) Scarface, the Musical. Think of the song list: Say Hello to My Little Friend, Every Day Above Ground is a Good Day, Say Goodnight to the Bad Guy, I Got Ears, ya know.

Tony Montana pulls out his machine gun, then breaks into song.

(To the tune of the Beatle's Love Me Do)

"Say, say hello

Say, say hello

Say, say hello myyyyyyyyy

Little friend."

Of course, Pacino doesn't have the greatest singing voice, but that is part of the charm of the movie.

2) Mosquito Fights. This could have saved Michel Vick his job. After all, people get furious over dogfighting. Would they care if we bred, raised, and trained mosquitoes to fight to the death?

Would the, um, bloodletting really offend anyone?

3) Joe Pesci as the Mafia Monk. "You know, Euphalias, you are a f---ing mumbling, stuttering little f---. You know that?"

"You made me put your head in a vise for that f---ing monk?"

"Et cum spirite, de spiritus sanctum, amen, you stupid motherf---er."

4) Samuel L. Jackson as Hamlet.

"Does Horatio Look like a bitch?"

"Gimme my skull. It's the one that says bad motherf----er."

"To die, to sleep, perchance to dream. Hey! Wake your ass up! I ain't got time for this."

"I am the foot, f----ing master, Portia."

5) Naked Mimes. I don't know why, but I want to see feeling the invisible barrier in the nude. Fake ice skating in the raw.

According to Wikipedia, Traiānus banished pantomimists; Caligula favored them; Aurelius made them priests of Apollōn. Nero himself acted as a mime.

What does that mean? Not a damned thing. But they would be funnier naked. Maybe it's already been done. Maybe that's why Caligula was so into them.

Yes, you would paint all the parts, in case you were curious.

OK, I am officially weirded out by myself now. What did you expect? It's Monday.

I wanted weird. Mission accomplished.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Breaking up is hard to do...

This is a sad day in Freddy's World. Breakups are always tough, even when you know it is time.

You put your life into a relationship; you give everything you can. You follow them everywhere. You write blogs about them. You praise them to anyone who will listen on the air.

But then they get to be too important for you. Too big. Too popular.

And you are left alone at night, wondering what went wrong.

You love someone so much it hurts sometimes. And they don't love you back. So finally, as painful as it is, you have to let go. You have to say goodbye.

It has happened many times before, and it will happen again.

This weekend, it happened to me, and I am letting go. There are other fish in the sea. I will try some new experiences and work hard to get this one off my mind.

I said goodbye.

No, not to Val. Are you people crazy?

To one of my other loves.

Shinedown, at one point the most underrated band in the world, is being put in the wind. Kicked to the curb. Dead to me.

I have seen them at least seven times in concert. From the first time I heard Fly From the Inside, I knew they were the band for me. Energy, passion, power; everything I had ever wanted in a band.

When Us and Them came out, our relationship got stronger. Save Me, Some Day, Heroes...powerful stuff.

When Sound of Madness was released, things were at their best. I even wrote a review of the concert for this blog. I bought the album the first day it was available on Itunes. It was over a year ago.

I thought we would be happy forever.

But we started drifting apart. Other, more attractive bands started becoming a part of my life. The magic started to disappear.

Then, it happened.

Shinedown showed up on our sister pop station, a top 40 station with a very young listenership.

"Second Chance" was the song. A nice little ballad.

And then they played it more. And more. And more.

This week, they played it more than that idiotic Lady Ga Ga Poker Face song.

Now, I just can't stand it anymore. Shinedown is too popular. Teens everywhere now sing their songs -- well, song. They have become a huge pop band.

And so it is time for it to end. While Shinedown left me for someone younger, I have started trying new people, too. The Offspring became my new favorite band after we had them in studio. I spent some time with Linkin Park. Green Day. I went back some old loves, like the Chili Peppers.

I'm putting my life back together.

Who knows if I will ever love another like that? Who knows if I will find happiness elsewhere on Itunes? But it is time to move on. Time to let go.

I will always love you, Shinedown. And not to throw your own words at you, but...

Sometimes goodbye is a second chance.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Birthday wishes and a eulogy

The birthday boy is the one on the left.

OK, so this is a day late, but I was out of pocket all day for reasons that will hopefully soon be apparent. First, make sure you check out the sports commentary here. Click early and often.

Anyway, Will Faour had his 11th birthday yesterday. He is well on his way to being the smartest person in the family.

The kid has a great sense of humor, is a pretty good poker player and is an absolute beast on Roblox.

He's also a pretty good indication I am officially old.

Regardless, happy birthday little man. I wanted to say something nice before you become a teen-ager and start hating me. But you are a great little dude and I have the best son in the world.

(And the best daughter, in case you are reading, Katie).


I have decided that I should fake my own death. Besides getting a Wikipedia page, I will be a much bigger star in death. After all, Michael Jackson is bigger than ever. Steve McNair is being hailed from all corners. Forget one's penchant for (censored) and the circumstances around the other's death; look at all the nice -- if fictitious --- things that were said about both in their respective eulogies.

I mean, really; think about all the exaggerations people could use on my behalf:

-- Fred redefined journalism and was at the forefront of the multimedia explosion.

-- Fred helped launch the careers of many of the biggest stars in sports journalism.

-- He took the blog concept to a new level.

-- He invented anti-twittering.

-- He dressed up like Batgirl. (Who doesn't?)

-- He was a kind, warm, loving person who went out of his way to take care of others.

(Hey, do you really buy all that BS about Michael Jackson? If that stuff is true, I can be kind, warm and loving)

-- Thanks to Fred, the career of Sparkles the Evil Clown was rejuvenated, and he went on to be an international superstar.

-- Fred was personally responsible for improving international relations, befriending many Canadians.

See how death makes you look like a superstar?

My blog postings will suddenly be popular. People will scramble to find old short stories. Like Michael, they will forget my screwups.

I will become a legend, forever remembered and praised for being better than I was.

Elvis Presley. Michael Jackson. Uncle Freddy?

Meanwhile, I will be hiding out in Guam under the name Fareed Hadid. Raking in royalties. Enjoying my fame.

Playing golf with Michael and Elvis.

Then again, they don't have football in Guam. Probably no poker. Likely no Canadians.

Guess I will have to settle for being unsuccessful, boring and alive after all.

And still no Wikipedia page.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

A special guest host...

In honor of Canada Day, and, well, my general laziness...I decided to have a guest blogger. Not shockingly, she is Canadian.

Before you jump into this, please click on the ads. And check out my sports commentary at

Anyway, as you probably know by now, Virtual Val is the conscious of this blog. (Not to mention a consensus No. 1 in the Faour BCS rankings). Most of my ideas usually come from goofing off with her anyway. Since I have been a little busy of late and haven't posted an entry, I am handing her the reins for this one. She is funnier than me, better looking than me and in general, much better than me.

And while it might be Freddy's World, that world would be pretty lame without Val.

So here....she...goes:


So, Fred and I cooked up a scheme that I would do a guest blog. I’m not sure how exactly this came about, but I am guessing alcohol and my usual lack of good judgement were factors. Basically, sucks to be you, reading this (if you still are, now that you know it’s not Uncle Freddy), because Fred is the writer in this particular family.

Initially, I was thinking of doing a bit on how Canada is superior to the US. Fortunately, I remembered that I am moving to the US in the not too distant future, and should wait until then to make enemies. Hey, guys, I apologize in advance. Your national sport may be the NFL. Ours is American bashing. And we are very good at it. There’s a lot of material. You do it to yourselves (the best bits are at 3:18 regarding the 24 hour clock, and 6:49 about the $5 coin):

Um, oops. I can’t help it.

So what am I going to write about? Well, not spider monkeys, evil clowns, or naked mimes. Those are all Fred’s. I have been told to write about what I know, and I know nothing about any of those things. Really. So, I have decided to write about some pranks to pull on your significant other that I have heard about. *Disclaimer – I have not, nor ever would, pull these on Freddy. I will think up whole new ones.

Change the language on their cell phone. Nothing beats getting a text “What is the French word for menu?” in the middle of the day. Why not text back entirely in the chosen language to really increase the frustration level? “Je refuse de répondre pour les raisons qu'il peut m'incriminer.” Babelfish has been my friend for a long time.

Lemon Jell-O or plain pectin in toilet water. I have never tried this one, I ran across it surfing the ‘net, but it sounds hilarious. Mindy just explained to me how to do this – make the Jell-O with half the normal amount of boiling water, then pour it into the toilet bowl and give it some time to set. Imagine. Him peeing into the toilet bowl, and the water isn’t moving. The only drawback? Darned sure it won’t be him cleaning it up.

Tape over the infrared remote control thingy (I am not a tech geek, leave me alone) with black electrician’s tape. Imagine the fun you could have, because you KNOW men will never actually walk up to the TV to turn it on. And most devices (my stupid cable box, for example) cannot be operated without a remote control. Better yet, do it to all the remote controls in the house.

Admit what you have done before he goes out to the nearest electronics store and spends WAY too much for a new one that does everything but something truly useful, like the cleaning the toilet after pulling the Jell-O prank.

Put pillows in bed; make it look like you are asleep under the covers. When they start to crawl into bed, grab their ankles from your hiding place under the bed. Move it up a notch by taping him screaming like a girly man.

OK, four is enough for today. Anyone got any good pranks out there? Please note, nothing that would cause a separation of assets. I kinda like this guy. Even if I am fairly sure he will never let me blog again!


Addendum from Fred....she DID pull the French thing on my phone. AND my email. Grrrr. I will be watching the toilet diligently from now on.