Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Who deserves to die? Here's a short list...

Before we get started, please help a brother out and check out our sports takes on the new Examiner blog. It's different from this -- it's a review, preview and analysis of Houston sports. I get paid per click, so please check it's

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We have a tendency in radio to overstate things, just because it's funny to us. Sometimes I will say something like, "that dude deserves to die." In reality, it's a euphemism for "that person is a below average human being."

If I say, "that dude deserves to die drowning in his own blood," that's usually a euphemism for, "that dude deserves to die."

So with that in mind, it's time to compile a list of people who deserve to die.

(Disclaimer: These are not pedophiles or sex offenders. Or serial killers, mass murderers or exes. That goes without saying. Just more general annoyances who we would be much better without).

1 -- Dorky Weezer concert dudes. See prior post.

2 -- Whoever invented rashes.

3 -- Perfume lady. (Featured in a prior post, but basically the lady who bathes in perfume and then gets on the elevator with you. Same goes for guys with cologne).

4 -- Telemarketers reading from a script. "Hello, Mr. Fay-yur, I am representing aluminum siding, Inc. We have an unbeatable offer for you today."

"Thanks, I'm not interested."

"I understand that sir, but our siding is guaranteed for 5 years, and..."

"I'm not interested, dude."

"I understand that, sir, but we are the No. 3 provider of aluminum and we were invented by John K. Savage, who..."

"I live in an apartment."

"Yes, I understand that, but our siding is the best..."


5 -- Whoever invented the Facebook blocker on office computer systems.

6 -- Stuart Scott.

7 -- People who use cell phones in public and talk about rashes and diahrrea.

8 -- Whoever left the band cart out at the UH game last night. (Here is the video of what happened. Warning, don't watch this if you are faint of heart).

9 -- Dentists who carry on conversations with you, expecting you to respond while your mouth is full of crap. "Fred, what do you think of the Rockets?"

"Mmmmppfh, gurgle, mmmpf."

"Yeah, but I think that Yao will stay healthy. And I think they have a big chance."


"Well, you are the expert. But I happen to think you are wrong."

10 -- People who self-promote and do stuff like, "please check out my other blog at"

11 -- Men who try to pick up other men in the gym. (Don't ask me why, but I am a magnet for these guys. I am NOT into you. I don't roll that way. Although there is this one guy...).

12 -- Militant anythings.

13 -- People who insist on talking to you when you are clearly hung over and wish to be left alone.

14 -- People who insist on chatting with you online when you tell them, "hey, how are you? I am kind of busy at work right now but I will be in touch soon." Then they keep going anyway. "Really? You are on the air? How cool is it that I am chatting with you while you are on the air? So how is life? How have you been? How is the rash?"

15 -- Bill collectors. Especially the ones who say, "please call back. I can't help you unless I talk to you."

16 -- Parents who talk about their children as if they are completely flawless, the center of the universe, the most perfect kids ever created, then after about 30 minutes ask..."How are your kids?" And before you can answer, they jump right back in with, "oh, I forgot to tell you what mine did the other night..."

17 -- Radio talk show hosts. No, the other guys...

18 -- *People who tell you that wherever they live is better than wherever you live, because they are there and you are not. (*-Except Canadians and Aussies. Canada and Australia really ARE better. So I am told)

19 -- Whoever invented porn sites. Well, the ones that DON'T charge.

20 -- People who borrow your newspaper, take it to the restroom, spread it out on the floor, bring it back with water and brown spots, and return it to you.

Feel free to share some of your favorites...

Friday, October 24, 2008

"Dude, you are at Weezer"

That was the text I got from my brother Patrick when I texted him from the Weezer show. It was in response to me saying, "this is the dorkiest concert crowd I have ever seen."

I don't know what I expected. But I did not expect to walk into a dorm at Rice.

My buddies Gina the Horse Babe, Jason the Music God, and C-Squared went to the show Thursday night. We were by far the four coolest people in the building. (I mean, we usually are, but this was a landslide. This was Texas over Florida Atlantic).

At some point, C-Squared, Jason and myself decided we could kick the crap out of 95 percent of the men there. Most concerts, that percentage is closer to 50-55. We're old. (Well, I am).

Dude, you are at Weezer.

And the women? Well, they could kick the men's butts, too.

This was a crowd that would have gone to see Rush back in the day. Or Yes.


Dorky guys who can't get dates. (No comments from the audience, please. Especially you, Virtual Val. I see a smart aleck response coming from 1,000 miles away).

So the show itself was awesome. The company was terrific. The Horse Babe rating everyone was worth the admission.

But the people?

I had an exchange with a dork in the bathroom. I somehow said out loud that it was the dorkiest collection of dudes I had ever seen.

He replied in a whiny, high-pitched voice. "I hope you don't mean ME."

"Yes, dude. I mean EXACTLY you."

What happened afterward will not become public knowledge.

But the Dungeons and Dragons crowd was out in full force.

Memo to the dorkos: The songs are SARCASTIC. They are not your theme songs. Weezer has a sense of humor. You do not.

Then again...Troublemaker IS kind of my theme song.

Dude, you are at Weezer.

And the opening act -- Angels and Airwaves -- was horrible. They had the energy of a sea sponge. The lead singer (formerly of Blink 182) got all rock and roll on us near the of the set and threatened to "bring the f---ing roof off the f---ing place."

Um, Ike already did that, dude. And your wimpy little song wouldn't have brought the roof off a roach motel. retrospect, maybe HE was the dude in the bathroom...


As promised, a couple new things to check out: I am now doing a sports blog on is a brilliant idea -- it is a national Web site with local writers hitting topics of interest in the towns you care about. I will be the general Houston sports examiner, so it will be things of interest in the Houston sports world. Please check it out at (It should be active very soon. I get paid per click, so even if it's not your bag, help a brother out?) It will have a much different tone from this blog. It will be more analysis and sports insight. This will continue to be about the freaks in my life. And as always, please click on the ads on this page. They pay for the blog.

We also now have a daily update on the Ticket's Website at where you can read about upcoming guests and goings-on each day on the Ticket.


On a serious note...As some of you might know, Sam Houston Race Park will not be doing a live thoroughbred meet this year. There were a lot of implications in the local media that the track simply did not want to run the meet and that the damage wasn't as bad as management implied. That is simply not the case.

No one wanted that meet canceled. It's unfortunate for a lot of reasons. Some good people -- and good friends -- might not have jobs.

But there was simply no choice.

It sucks that we won't have live racing. But blame Ike, not the track

Finally, thanks to everyone for reading and participating in this blog. You guys are creative as hell and you always keep me laughing. Not sure what I would do without you. Much love, my friends.

BC picks!

I have some great stories from the Weezer concert. Thanks to The Horse Babe and Jason the Music God for the tickets. I promise to get that posted this weekend.

In the meantime, for those of you who want to wager on the BC this weekend, here is the tip sheet for Friday/Saturday that I did for SHRP...


THIRD RACE (filly and mare sprint): 5 – Indian Blessing, 1 Magnificence, 3-Intagaroo, 12-Ventura, 10-Miraculous Miss.

Indian Blessing looks like the best horse, but she's only run on the fake tracks once. I like the other three to all be in the mix. Magnificence might be a good horse to key at a price. Not a strong win candidate, but she should hit the board.

FOURTH RACE (12-Heart Shaped, 10-Beyond Our Reach, 1-April Pride, 6-Freedom Rings.

This one is wide open and I do not have a good feel for it at all. When in doubt, I just go with the Euros on the turf. I wouldn't play it, but if you must, maybe Heart Shaped across the board.

FIFTH RACE 10-Stardom Bound, 4-Sky Diva, 12-Dream Express, 6-Van Lear Rose.

Another tough one. I like Stardom Bound and Sky Diva the best. Also think Van Lear Rose can hit the board. Also, Black Magic Mama might hit the board at a huge price so throw her on the bottom of your bets.

SIXTH RACE (8-Halfway to Heaven, 10-Pure Clan, 7-Mauralaukana, 5-Wait a While).

Good race – I think one of these four wins the race. Pure Clan might be the upsetter.

SEVENTH RACE (1-Zenyatta, 3-Cocoa Beach, 5—Carriage Trail, 4-Music Note.

Don't see them beating Zenyatta, although Cocoa Beach might be good enough. Zenyatta has only been 1 1/8 miles once and that was her closest race, so maybe that is a good enough excuse to try to beat her. But I would just hammer the 1-3 and 1-5 exactas.


RACE ONE (4-Sixties Icon, 7-Big Booster, 3-Delightful Kiss, 1-Church Service).

Really like this race. I would consider keying Big Booster in all three spots in the tri. If Sixties Icon is right, he kills this group, but he might not like the surface, and Big Booster seems to be the most consistent horse. Keep an eye on longshot Church Service.

RACE TWO (13-Get Funky, 10-California Flag, 14-Mr Nightlinger, 6-Storm Treasure.

Love Get Funky to get a perfect trip behind the dueling California Flag and Mr Nightlinger. Think he turns the tables on Flag this time at a decent price. And watch for Storm Treasure to pick up the pieces late to hit the board at a monster price.

RACE THREE (8-Well Armed, 7-Albertus Maximus, 1-Lewis Michael, 12-Lord Admiral)

Was hoping Well Armed would go in the Classic, because thought he had a shot to knock off Curlin. He should be close to a lock in this, although he will face more internal early pressure here and he is probably a better horse going slightly longer. Like Albertus, Lewis and Lord to run behind him in the exactas and tris. Don't leave Slew's Tiznow and My Pal Charlie out of the bottom of your tris.

RACE FOUR (1-Shakis, 2-Kip Deville, 5-Daytona, 4-Goldikova)

One of the hardest races on the card. Hard to imagine Kip Deville won't bounce back from a poor effort on the weird turf course at Woodbine. But Shakis is consistent and will be coming on late. If Daytona can shake free early, look out, but that rarely happens in this race. Goldikova is a Euro monster and Whatsthescript loves the surface so watch our for them as well.

RACE FIVE (4-Square Eddie, 3-Terrain, 12-Bushranger, 11-Pioneer of the Nile).

Another very tough race. Square Eddie was huge in his first start over a fake surface, and anything close to a repeat makes him tough here. Bushranger faced much tougher in Europe and if his form transfers, look out.

RACE SIX (3-Westphalia, 4-Donativum, 11-Bittel Road, 5-Relatively Ready).

Bittel Road will likely take most of the money, but you have to think the Europeans are standouts here. Westphalia and Donativum appear to be the top two of the Euros. If they don't run, it's wide open, but expect one of those two to get it done.

RACE SEVEN (9-Fatal Bullet, 2-Street Boss, 8-In Summation, 1-Cost of Freedom).

Fatal Bullet is a fake track specialist who should get a perfect trip sitting off the speed and turn it on late. Will be a square price and should be in the mix. Don't like his rider, but other than that, all systems are go. Street Boss and In Summation like the Cali. tracks and can close. Defending champ Midnight Lute is unbeatable on his best, but you never know when it is coming. Will play against him.

RACE EIGHT (4-Soldier of Fortune, 9-Conduit, 2-Red Rocks, 3-Grand Couterier).

Europeans are simply light years better on the turf going long. Soldier of Fortune was third in the Arc, the toughest turf race in the world. If he handles the ship, he rolls here. If not, watch for Conduit. Red Rocks won this race in 06 and was third last year so you know he can handle the tight turns.

RACE NINE (1-Go Between, 4-Duke of Marmalade, 9-Curlin, 3-Tiago).

Curlin has been the best horse in the world for two years. But there is a reason his connections have avoided synthetic surfaces. He is vulnerable here. A loss won't diminish his legacy, and a victory confirms what we already know. Go Between is a monster on these surfaces. Maybe he is running for second behind Curlin, but you can count on him to run a big race. Duke of Marmalade wasn't that far back in the Arc and if he handles the surface, he rolls. After that, Tiago, Champs Elysees, Student Council -- those are all horses that could hit the board. Curlin is the best horse, but the best horse might not win. If he doesn't, plan to cash in.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

A euphemism for...euphemisms? Riding with Pat...A hell of a tackle

OK, my apologies for the delay in posting. No real excuse, other than I have been very busy trying to start up a new sports blog on another site (details to come soon), and helping develop a new daily feature for the Ticket's Web site. (We'll tout that soon, too, once we get it where I want it to be). And I am still looking for a second job. Being a full time degenerate does not pay enough money. Any and all suggestions are welcome.

Also, please click on our advertisers when you visit. They support this blog.

So on with the show...


We have two things we would love to accomplish on our radio shows, just to entertain ourselves. One is to do an entire poker show without mentioning poker.

Another is to do an entire show in euphemisms.

I absolutely love euphemisms. Always have, probably from the first time I heard the term "Spanking the monkey." (I have no idea what it REALLY means, of course).

We have created some of our own for the show. "Pretzels" is a euphemism for dollars when discussing potentially illegal wagers. For instance, "I love the Texans to cover the three points. I will probably drop a few pretzels on that."

Richard Weed is a euphemism for Dick Weed which is...well, I guess just an insult.

Satan is a euphemism for *-ex. (*-disclaimer -- not the most recent ex wife. She is actually a very cool person).

Very cool person is a euphemism for...(um, er, never mind!)

There are death euphemisms (hanging with Elvis, sleeping with the fishes, being coached by Joe Paterno...)

And political ones. "Palin" is a euphemism for "Damien Devil worshipper who will take over the world."

Of course, sports euphemisms are the best, especially when rating members of the opposite sex.

All-Stars are, well, all stars. You pay them big bucks and expect them to deliver. You can also assume you will lose them to free agency at some point.

Starters are good players that sometimes look like superstars. They are solid, you like having them on your team, and you don't have to deal with the superstar mentality. But you usually get bored with them at some point because they never quite make it to superstar level.

Then there are role players. They are nice to have, but you won't sign them to long term deals. They fill a role, sometimes they can rise to starter level, but you forget them pretty quickly when they are gone

Bench warmers? Only to fill out your roster. They only get to play when all the good players are taken.

Recently, we rated Hooters girls by starting hands in poker. The practical offshoot of that is Pocket Aces is now a euphemism for a superstar; deuce-seven off is a euphemism for, well, a manimal. Which is a euphemism for...oh, you can figure it out.

There are millions more, especially for, Please share some of your favorites so that when we do our euphemism show, we can use your suggestions.

In the meantime, the next time I win a few pretzels on football, I plan to find a superstar. Then I will play my pocket aces, get them snapped, and go home and spank the monkey.


Hall of Fame jockey Pat Day was a guest on our poker show last week.

Pat and I have a long history. As a rider, frankly, I hated him. He was terrific, but if he hadn't been so damn, uh, patient, he would have won a lot more races*. (*disclaimer: I actually think Pat is terrific. I have just always enjoyed making fun of him in a good natured, Freddy way).

Regardless, Pat told us his nickname was "Patient Pat," because of his propensity for sitting back and letting a horse make one late run. (I preferred the less flattering, Pat "wait all" Day).
(Here is Pat finishing second on Easy Goer in the Preakness. He finished second a lot. In fact, in his career he won 8,804 races. I can't find anywhere how many times he finished second. I will just speculate and say 400,366 times.).

Pat is actually a very good guy who has been involved with racetrack chaplaincy for a long time. His interviews are always good for one, "since I gave my life to Christ," comment, and then he usually moves on.

I guess because it was us, he took it a little farther. He spent several minutes testifying on air. During a gambling show.

I am sure it was payback for all those times I said in seminars that I hated Pat more than my first wife. For the time I heckled him at Oaklawn Park. For the time I thanked him for running second (again) while Calvin Borel outrode him to give me a $45 winner to close out a nice pick 3.

Anyway, as he finished the interview, I thanked Pat for sharing.

Matt thanked God for being a surprise guest on the show.

I'm all for religion. I'm very happy for people who have found God, whether they be Muslim, Jewish, Christian, Buddhist, Hindu or jockey.

But I was so depressed after the show and felt the need to change my life. No more wagering pretzels. No more rating human beings as Texas Hold Em Starting Hands.

No more being a degenerate.

At least I have a new euphemism. My new one for religion will be "riding with Pat."

Although I will probably finish second.


Speaking of horse racing, I will post my Breeders' Cup picks on the Ticket's Web site. I will link it later in the week. Hint: Curlin will lose, and if you trust us, you will make LOTS of pretzels.


And finally, my favorite video of the college football season so far...

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Short and simple...

I'll have a longer one this week with some details on a new blog I am doing. But the title for the short story below is...

Father Time.

Please click on the advertisers at the top of this page and help support this blog.

More coming soon...

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Thanks, Sage...Three's a crowd

On the surface, this looks like a sports take. But it really isn't. It's about honor and duty. About doing the right thing. About respect.

Because of that, Sage Rosenfels should do the honorable thing.

He should go all Frank Pentangeli on us.

(If you don't get the reference, go watch Godfather II again. And take three steps backward and put a shame on yourself).

Sage's coup was foiled. When a coup fails, you do the honorable thing. Just like Frank.

If you think that's extreme -- that a backup quarterback should whack himself for blowing a football game -- you don't understand the passion for football and the angst of the Houston sports fan.

This is where Choke City was born. Where a team blew a lead when they were up 35-3 at halftime. Where John Stockton is a four letter word. Where Lorenzo Charles will be shot on sight next time he enters Houston city limits. (Memo to law enforcement: Since I am writing this in advance, it counts as an alibi, because why on earth would I do something I wrote about?****)

****-Stolen from the plot of Basic Instinct. Minus the hot chick. Although you should see me in a Batgirl costume. But I digress.

Regardless, in sports -- especially football -- one person RARELY loses a game.

This was one of those days.

So Sage, I'm Tom Hagen. I'm making a "suggestion." Do the honorable thing.

Or else.


Ok, by now you know I think Sarah Palin is the devil. But I do think she is not unattractive.

(Take a second to sort through that convoluted sentence...And we resume).

So a few of us were goofing off the other night while I was trying to come up with a blog idea. Danny -- a.k.a. Captain Canada -- suggested political threesomes. (Yes, he is as sick as I am).

So while a Palin/***Condoleeza Rice/Freddy power trio would make a lot of sense (I can almost hear Lady Damien saying "you betcha" over and over), I submit there are more interesting duos that could become threesomes:
(***-Condi is sneaky hot).

1) Margaret Thatcher/Barbara Bush. Is Margaret still alive? I love the smell of Ben Gay in the morning. Smells like...victory!

2)W. and Laura Bush. I mean, he is cute, in a chipmunk sort of way, is he not? And I hear she has a Putin tattoo.

Ugh. Never mind. I have officially made myself ill.

I am off to do the honorable thing.


OK, let's see if you guys can do any sicker duos you would want to see in a threesome?

(And I am talking golf. What the hell did you think I meant?)

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

What's your Facebook status?...A prayer answered

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So, what's your Facebook status today?

One of the most interesting things about Facebook is you can put your status at the top of your page, and it will go to all your friends.

"Mindy is happy today."

"Dana is going to work."

"Sarah is running for Vice President."

That kind of thing.

My favorites are the people you hardly know putting up cryptic status messages that could mean anything. Especially if you do not religiously following their status.

"Jeffrey is much better today."

Really? I missed yesterday. I think I met Jeffrey at Taco Bell one day and he added me as a Facebook friend. I haven't talked to him since and probably never will again.

But now I am curious. What happened to Jeffrey that made him unhappy in the first place? Did he just have a bad day? Did his girlfriend leave him? Is his leprosy in remission? At least he is much better today.

I got this one recently:

"Elaine thanks all her friends for caring."

Really? But Elaine, what if I don't care? What is it I am supposed to care about? Did you husband leave you? Die? Or, worse yet, decide to stay with you?"

Damn. I just can't miss a day of updates.

What I would really like to see is Facebook status honesty day. For one day, everyone put what they are REALLY thinking on their status. Plenty of detail, and no BS.

Imagine the possibilities...

"Alex has been married for seven years, but he is really gay and would like nothing more than to do the sword dance with the bearded barista at the local Starbucks."

"Jenny is sick of her family and wishes they would all die so she could get the inheritance."

"Lisa loves her husband, but she is proud to announce she has now slept with 17 of her 20 male Facebook friends, and the other three are gay."

"Brad thinks his girlfriend Sarah needs to drop 20 pounds."

"Sarah thinks Brad needs penis enlargement surgery and could use a few hours in the gym himself."

"Steve thinks it is pathetic that he spends so much time on Faceboook and has to flirt with virtual women who are probably uglier than the skanks he dates when he actually goes out."

"Linda thinks Steve's photo is shot from an angle that makes him weigh somewhat less than the 350 he's probably packing."

"Sophia says yes, my photo is hyper hot. It's a super model I pulled off a Web site. I am really a 55-year-old homosexual pedophile named Stanley Rubenstein and this is how I feel special."

"Sarah is running for Vice President. But she is really the Anti-Christ and will kill her running mate four days after he is elected and rule the free world."

I think this would be MUCH more fun. What do you think? Give me your favorite real ones and ones you would like to see. Either sell out your friends or don't.

Oh, and my honesty status?

"Fred is tired, hung over/drunk (depending on the time of day), broke and struggling to come up with a funny blog entry and can't understand why anyone would give a rat's ass about his status."


To Katie Faour on Oct. 1

Happy birthday. I can’t believe you are already 7. It seems like yesterday I was sitting in Texas Children’s, watching a tiny, scared little infant struggle to breathe. I prayed more then than I ever have back then.

That you would grow up to live a happy life.

That you would be a healthy, happy child.

That you would be OK.

Today, you are a beautiful, brilliant little person. So full of life. So full of attitude. Seven years old going on 18.

Everyone says their children are perfect. Mine truly are. Even if their parents aren’t.

But I also prayed back then that if you made it, you would be the best of both of us.

You are that, and much more.

More than anything, you are an answered prayer. You are proof that God exists.

No matter how bad things get, I can look at you and know that my prayers – the most important of my life -- were answered.

Happy birthday, Katie Faour. Your dad loves you more than you know.