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So on with the show...
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We have two things we would love to accomplish on our radio shows, just to entertain ourselves. One is to do an entire poker show without mentioning poker.
Another is to do an entire show in euphemisms.
I absolutely love euphemisms. Always have, probably from the first time I heard the term "Spanking the monkey." (I have no idea what it REALLY means, of course).
We have created some of our own for the show. "Pretzels" is a euphemism for dollars when discussing potentially illegal wagers. For instance, "I love the Texans to cover the three points. I will probably drop a few pretzels on that."
Richard Weed is a euphemism for Dick Weed which is...well, I guess just an insult.
Satan is a euphemism for *-ex. (*-disclaimer -- not the most recent ex wife. She is actually a very cool person).
Very cool person is a euphemism for...(um, er, never mind!)
There are death euphemisms (hanging with Elvis, sleeping with the fishes, being coached by Joe Paterno...)
And political ones. "Palin" is a euphemism for "Damien Devil worshipper who will take over the world."
Of course, sports euphemisms are the best, especially when rating members of the opposite sex.
All-Stars are, well, all stars. You pay them big bucks and expect them to deliver. You can also assume you will lose them to free agency at some point.
Starters are good players that sometimes look like superstars. They are solid, you like having them on your team, and you don't have to deal with the superstar mentality. But you usually get bored with them at some point because they never quite make it to superstar level.
Then there are role players. They are nice to have, but you won't sign them to long term deals. They fill a role, sometimes they can rise to starter level, but you forget them pretty quickly when they are gone
Bench warmers? Only to fill out your roster. They only get to play when all the good players are taken.
Recently, we rated Hooters girls by starting hands in poker. The practical offshoot of that is Pocket Aces is now a euphemism for a superstar; deuce-seven off is a euphemism for, well, a manimal. Which is a euphemism for...oh, you can figure it out.
There are millions more, especially for, um...sex. Please share some of your favorites so that when we do our euphemism show, we can use your suggestions.
In the meantime, the next time I win a few pretzels on football, I plan to find a superstar. Then I will play my pocket aces, get them snapped, and go home and spank the monkey.
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Hall of Fame jockey Pat Day was a guest on our poker show last week.
Pat and I have a long history. As a rider, frankly, I hated him. He was terrific, but if he hadn't been so damn, uh, patient, he would have won a lot more races*. (*disclaimer: I actually think Pat is terrific. I have just always enjoyed making fun of him in a good natured, Freddy way).
Regardless, Pat told us his nickname was "Patient Pat," because of his propensity for sitting back and letting a horse make one late run. (I preferred the less flattering, Pat "wait all" Day).
(Here is Pat finishing second on Easy Goer in the Preakness. He finished second a lot. In fact, in his career he won 8,804 races. I can't find anywhere how many times he finished second. I will just speculate and say 400,366 times.).
Pat is actually a very good guy who has been involved with racetrack chaplaincy for a long time. His interviews are always good for one, "since I gave my life to Christ," comment, and then he usually moves on.
I guess because it was us, he took it a little farther. He spent several minutes testifying on air. During a gambling show.
I am sure it was payback for all those times I said in seminars that I hated Pat more than my first wife. For the time I heckled him at Oaklawn Park. For the time I thanked him for running second (again) while Calvin Borel outrode him to give me a $45 winner to close out a nice pick 3.
Anyway, as he finished the interview, I thanked Pat for sharing.
Matt thanked God for being a surprise guest on the show.
I'm all for religion. I'm very happy for people who have found God, whether they be Muslim, Jewish, Christian, Buddhist, Hindu or jockey.
But I was so depressed after the show and felt the need to change my life. No more wagering pretzels. No more rating human beings as Texas Hold Em Starting Hands.
No more being a degenerate.
At least I have a new euphemism. My new one for religion will be "riding with Pat."
Although I will probably finish second.
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Speaking of horse racing, I will post my Breeders' Cup picks on the Ticket's Web site. I will link it later in the week. Hint: Curlin will lose, and if you trust us, you will make LOTS of pretzels.
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And finally, my favorite video of the college football season so far...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SWt1tGTHdkc
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