Wednesday, July 1, 2009

A special guest host...

In honor of Canada Day, and, well, my general laziness...I decided to have a guest blogger. Not shockingly, she is Canadian.

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Anyway, as you probably know by now, Virtual Val is the conscious of this blog. (Not to mention a consensus No. 1 in the Faour BCS rankings). Most of my ideas usually come from goofing off with her anyway. Since I have been a little busy of late and haven't posted an entry, I am handing her the reins for this one. She is funnier than me, better looking than me and in general, much better than me.

And while it might be Freddy's World, that world would be pretty lame without Val.

So here....she...goes:


So, Fred and I cooked up a scheme that I would do a guest blog. I’m not sure how exactly this came about, but I am guessing alcohol and my usual lack of good judgement were factors. Basically, sucks to be you, reading this (if you still are, now that you know it’s not Uncle Freddy), because Fred is the writer in this particular family.

Initially, I was thinking of doing a bit on how Canada is superior to the US. Fortunately, I remembered that I am moving to the US in the not too distant future, and should wait until then to make enemies. Hey, guys, I apologize in advance. Your national sport may be the NFL. Ours is American bashing. And we are very good at it. There’s a lot of material. You do it to yourselves (the best bits are at 3:18 regarding the 24 hour clock, and 6:49 about the $5 coin):

Um, oops. I can’t help it.

So what am I going to write about? Well, not spider monkeys, evil clowns, or naked mimes. Those are all Fred’s. I have been told to write about what I know, and I know nothing about any of those things. Really. So, I have decided to write about some pranks to pull on your significant other that I have heard about. *Disclaimer – I have not, nor ever would, pull these on Freddy. I will think up whole new ones.

Change the language on their cell phone. Nothing beats getting a text “What is the French word for menu?” in the middle of the day. Why not text back entirely in the chosen language to really increase the frustration level? “Je refuse de rĂ©pondre pour les raisons qu'il peut m'incriminer.” Babelfish has been my friend for a long time.

Lemon Jell-O or plain pectin in toilet water. I have never tried this one, I ran across it surfing the ‘net, but it sounds hilarious. Mindy just explained to me how to do this – make the Jell-O with half the normal amount of boiling water, then pour it into the toilet bowl and give it some time to set. Imagine. Him peeing into the toilet bowl, and the water isn’t moving. The only drawback? Darned sure it won’t be him cleaning it up.

Tape over the infrared remote control thingy (I am not a tech geek, leave me alone) with black electrician’s tape. Imagine the fun you could have, because you KNOW men will never actually walk up to the TV to turn it on. And most devices (my stupid cable box, for example) cannot be operated without a remote control. Better yet, do it to all the remote controls in the house.

Admit what you have done before he goes out to the nearest electronics store and spends WAY too much for a new one that does everything but something truly useful, like the cleaning the toilet after pulling the Jell-O prank.

Put pillows in bed; make it look like you are asleep under the covers. When they start to crawl into bed, grab their ankles from your hiding place under the bed. Move it up a notch by taping him screaming like a girly man.

OK, four is enough for today. Anyone got any good pranks out there? Please note, nothing that would cause a separation of assets. I kinda like this guy. Even if I am fairly sure he will never let me blog again!


Addendum from Fred....she DID pull the French thing on my phone. AND my email. Grrrr. I will be watching the toilet diligently from now on.


Anonymous said...

Finally, a real blogger. You are so much better than the loser who usually writes here. But you should go for a real man like me.


Valerie said...

How do I know you are a man, let alone a real man?

Anonymous said...

Booze and bad judgement is how you started with him in the first place.

min said...

I think I'm gonna start a blog, I want a hater. Wait, I want lots of haters, so I can be better than Freddy.

Valerie said...

So, Bernie, how did Trish get hooked up with you? Hmmm???

And Min, no one is better than Freddy. NO ONE.

min said...

*sigh* I tried.

min said...

What does this ad
have to do with this blog?

Fred said...

I think they are trying to say I'm a dog?

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