Thursday, February 26, 2009

We have found out what is wrong with the economy. Now, we will fix it.

My brother Patrick has discovered a secret.***

(***-Said secret requires some knowledge of Batman Begins. If you have never seen the movie....well, you suck. And you will get NONE of the references).

It is one of those deep, dark, hidden things that might get him killed just for discovering it.

However, I am stealing his discovery and taking full credit for it. Only because I am hoping to save his life, of course. They will come after me, not him. I would hate to have his death on my hands. (Especially since his wife, Lori the Oompa Loompa, would bite my ankles off in anger).

Regardless, this is the biggest discovery since finding out we are really in The Matrix.

Remember, they killed Keanu for revealing the Matrix. (Well, they killed his career).

So I can only imagine what will happen to me for reporting the discovery of The Truth.

It is the most relevant discovery since online poker.

Here it is: Our current economic problems can be traced to one organization.

(No, not Citigroup).

It is frightening to dare mention the name, but I must:

The League of Shadows.

Yes, the very same. The group that burned London to the ground. Sacked Rome. The group that tried to overthrow Gotham twice -- the second time was through a disturbingly effective fear toxin.

The first? Economic sabotage.

Yes, I know Raz Al Gul will come for me now. (Or, as he went by in the comic books, The Demon. Coincidentally enough, that was the nickname I gave the first ex).

Think about it -- carefully planted CEOs forcing key companies into bankruptcy over a 20-year period, destroying the economy of the world and bringing us all into chaos.

Their sick, twisted version of justice will be served. (Hey, maybe Ken Lay was Raz Al Gul and it was all a cheap parlor trick...).

Sadly, it's working. What shall we do? We have no Batman.

There is no one person to turn to (no, not even Obama).

It's times like this we really need the Gargoyle.****

****please read prior post on the Gargoyle. (25 things...)

Granted, The Gargoyle is a little upset. The League never tried to recruit him. Yes, maybe he is a little old and pudgy for ninja training, but please. No one inspires fear like The Gargoyle.

So watch out, ninja freaks. Watch out Raz. While Fred fears you, the Gargoyle will be waiting. We will burn your house to the ground and leave you for dead.

(Memo to Raz: Could you give us a couple more months to drop some more weight first? Ten more pounds and I can get into one of those cool kevlar suits. Well, the Gargoyle, not me. Because that would be impossible, us being the same person. I know we are never in the same room, and whenever the Gargoyle's mask is removed in public, he looks like me, but that means nothing.)

Where were we? Oh yes, you, Raz. (Incidentally, Liam Neeson did an awesome job portraying you. It was almost as terrific as his Briar Gates in this classic).

I have a simple question for you.

Why do we fall, Raz?

So we can step on your throat.

You ain't seen bad yet. But it's coming*****.

*****You will only find this amusing if you are one of the seven people in America who actually saw Next of Kin. Sorry to mix movie references on you.

Fear the Gargoyle.


No, I didn't give up being funny for Lent. I gave up religion.

And yes, the blog's fate has been decided. Sort of. My name is Inigo Montoya -- you killed my blog. Prepare to die.******

******-Princess Bride. Keep up, people.

Check out Brandy's guest bloggers. They are doing a nice job.

And I think I have mentioned this blog before, but it is fast becoming one of my new faves. Lots of great description and compelling narrative about everyday life. It takes talent to do that.

Not all of us have that kind of talent. Those of us without skill do, however, have Gargoyle costumes. (Allegedly).

So fear us. But thank us when the economy turns back around. We will have conquered the League of Shadows and buried Raz once and for all.

Because we have finally learned to do what is necessary.


Brandy Rose said...

I totally found myself reading the "Gargoyle's" dialogue in a deep raspy mwha ha ha voice.

And you have broken my heart. Murdering your blog is "INCONCEIVABLE." (Princess Bride)

Fred said...

as you wish...

Oh, it will survive. for now.

Meanwhile, ever heard of Plato? Aristotle? Morons.

Now you have me on Princess Bride...aaaaarrrrgggghhhhh!!!!

TrodoMcCracken said...

I was sent over to your blog by gun point but I stayed because you're funny.

And that Brandy would have shot me.