Friday, February 13, 2009

Elevators and Freddy just don't mix

Sometimes, you have to take a different approach to things. Maybe my elevator problems have been my fault. After all, I just kind of go about my business, shuffle off in the corner and avoid people. Maybe that's why I attract so many freaks.

So this week I decided to try something different.

Be friendly. Affable. Smile. Carry on conversations with complete strangers in the elevator. Ask them how they are doing. Give the illusion that I care.

"How are ya on this fine morning, buddy?"

"How about this weather?"

"It sure is early, isn't it?"

As usual when I try something like this, it went horribly wrong.

Oh, it was OK for a couple days. An elderly woman thanked me for asking. A custodial engineer offered to clean out our studio. The guy bringing our Friday kolaches offered to specially cook me a few next week. (Sadly, I had to politely decline. *!#%*!#% diets. Twenty pounds down; 110 left to get rid of).

I was starting to think that maybe this was the way to go. I was making new friends, cheering people up, in general being just a friendly guy.

Until Thursday.

As usual, I get on the elevator and it is just me and an elderly fellow. He smelled vaguely of Ben Gay, stale cigarettes, cheap wine and diaper. Like a lot of people who work for the company in this building (an oil company), he was pretty rough around the edges.

He looked a lot like this:

(Yes, I know. Brooks was here. So was Fred. If you don't get that reference, go rent Shawshank.)

Buoyed by my recent success, I tried the "how are you today, sir?" approach.

He grunted, added to his diaper, and dropped a "none of your f----ing business" on me.

That was a first. Before I could respond, he started cackling, like he had just made a great joke.

"I always tell people that," he drawled. "Just a joke, fella."

Me: "That's funny. Really."

It: "I'm doing real good, since you asked."

Me: "Not judging from the smell, you're not."

Sigh. I haven't spoken to anyone on an elevator since. See where being friendly gets you? Thank God I have a cold or the smell would STILL be in my nostrils.


Taking advantage of my newfound ability to imbed videos, check out Joaquin Phoenix's appearance on Letterman.

It had to be a set-up, but it was bizarre either way.


Also, here's a link to my examiner commentary. Please help a brother out and click on it a few times. I promise the Derby winner is in that top five. Place your bets now. And my always gratuitous link to Brandy.


Brandy Rose said...

And you were doing so good! Just can't help yourself can you? :D

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