Monday, March 30, 2009

The top five movies...Sham Wow! She bit me!

So I ignore most of the Facebook apps that people send me, or that I see on other people's status updates.

But I am a sucker for top five lists. Anytime I can rank five anythings, I am all over it.

Top three? Forget it. Unfulfilling.

Top 10? Too demanding.

But top five, I am a complete sucker. Five best hotties. Five best insults. Five best insects. Five worst sexual encounters. Five worst elevator stories. Five best wheelchair prostitutes. Five best spider money jokes.

You get the idea.

So I couldn't resist the five best movies thing that was going around.

Unfortunately, you just list them; there is no way to comment. So I feel the need to defend/explain my choices, since it went out to my 240-plus friends.

1) Pulp Fiction: We've already brought out the Gimp. Maybe we should have sent in the Wolf.

Samuel L. makes the whole thing worthwhile.

"You ever read the Bible Ringo? There's this passage I've got memorized...

You're the weak."

The cameos are awesome -- especially Christopher Walken, Eric Stoltz and Harvey Keitel.

Bizarre, clever, funny, violent, hip. A perfect Freddy movie.

2) Shawshank Redemption -- No real explanation needed; this is almost a perfect movie. Nothing sugarcoated or glossed over. Tim Robbins is perfectly cast; so too is Morgan Freeman. At its truest essence, it is a buddy movie.

If you haven't seen it, then shame on you.

3) Goodfellas -- The Henry Hill saga features some of the best acting you'll see anywhere. Ray Liotta is unbelievable; DeNiro was still DeNiro; Pesci's character was delightfully violent. The use of music as a device to move the plot was copied for years by other directors. Interestingly, Casino featured many of the same actors. It was really "Goodfellas go to Vegas." I once knew a colleague who liked it better, because he saw it before Goodfellas.

He was an idiot then and is still an idiot.

4) Rounders -- This is one you might not have seen. Go rent it right now and report back to me immediately. Matt Damon is terrific, Edward Norton is over the top, but the whole show is Teddy KGB, played by John Malkovich. He is essentially in two scenes, but the entire movie revolves around him.

Great supporting performances by John Turturro and Gretchen Mol, who plays the most dislikeable girlfriend in history.

There is only one flaw in the movie -- when Petra visits Mike and he asks her to leave. (If you don't know what that is about, see the second sentence).

5) Reservoir Dogs -- Another brilliantly done Quentin Tarantino movie. Of course, he's gone downhill since Pulp, but how could he not?

The brilliantly evil Mr. Blonde. The smarmy Mr. Orange. The annoyingly brusque Mr. Pink.

It ends the only way it possibly could.

Yes, it's violent. (I'm sorry, I LOVE the ear scene. I think it's hilarious). Yes, it's over the top.

I love it.

Notice a trend? Violence. Hidden humor. Criminals. Hmmm....what does that say about me?

Don't answer that.

What do you think of my five?

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OK, if you haven't seen it, the Sham Wow guy got himself in trouble with a prostitute.

Vince Schlomi is his real name, and he's a 44-year-old pitchman. Apparently, the Pay Per View (euphemism for lady of the evening) bit his tongue and refused to let go, which started a fight.

Schlomi sells the Sham Wow and the Slap Chop on those annoying infomercials. You've seen them.

It's unclear whether he used either during the fracas, but we will guess she was less than Wow'ed by his Slap Chop.

Regardless, you can order them both for $19.99 plus shipping and handling.

He must have sold quite a few. The Pay Per View cost $1,000.

We assume the tongue biting was part of the deal.

2 comments:

Brandy Rose said...

My number 1: Boondock Saints.

Bevotee said...

Everybody knows you never kiss a ho. What a dumbass.