Wednesday, December 17, 2008

44 ways you know you are old...

Today, Dec. 18, is a very special (and depressing) day. Your blogging friend will have been patrolling the earth for 44 years.

Forty-four-freaking years. It sounds so devastatingly old. It seems like yesterday I was an angst-ridden wannabe rock star teenager cranking out wicked guitar riffs and chasing the young vixens of the 409 area code.

By now, I would have expected to know the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything.

I will just say this -- it wasn't 42. Or 43. Kind doubt it's 44.

The real answer? Pretty simple. Do the things you enjoy, treat everybody else better than you treat yourself, and don't be scared to try to be whatever you hope you can be in life. And when you fail, try something else.

The only true answer is finding what God (or whatever your deity) meant for you to be. That creates a harmony in yourself and in the universe.

Simple, huh?

Good luck finding that. I have no brilliant insight there.

At 44, I think I've found that harmony in the entertainment world, such as it is. In fiction. In making light of the world and myself.

Now if we could just figure out how the hell to make that profitable enough to exist comfortably... maybe that's the real answer.

But I digress.

Anyway, for your reading pleasure or displeasure, in honor of the day, here are 44 ways to tell you are officially old:

No. 1: You are listening to an "oldies" station and they play Pantera.

No. 2: People tell you "you are only as old as you feel," and you realize you "feel" 70.

No. 3: You are the old dude in the gym.

No. 4: You go to a college football game and your friends think the cheerleaders are hot, and all you think is "damn, they look like 12-year-olds."

No. 5: You make fun of Hooters girls instead of pursuing them.

No. 6: You go to sports bars instead of clubs.

No. 7: Your kids are watching the same movies as you and getting things you are missing.

No. 8: You start thinking like your parents.

No. 9: You can't remember half the people you meet anymore.

No. 10: (It's doubly bad when you "meet" someone you actually dated more than once.)

No. 11: You go to concerts and count the people older than you and hope you aren't in the top 5 percent* (that goes down one percent each year).

No. 12: You realize you are closer to being eligible for Champions golf tour than you care to admit.

No. 13: You are calling 43-year-olds "young man" or "young lady."

No. 14. You realize you were actually middle aged at 22.

No. 15: You realize you are worth more financially dead than alive.

No. 16: You realize you are closer to social security than High school.

No. 17: You are just six years away from being able to play in senior poker tournaments.

No. 18: People start sending you magazines like "Geezer jock." And you think the woman on the cover is attractive.

No. 19: You start thinking about getting a plant. Or a cat. Or a turtle. Or a goldfish. And becoming an old dude with a pet.

Then, of course, you meet people who have never heard of the following:

No. 20: Monty Python

No. 21: Benny Hill

No. 22: Hogan's Heroes

No. 23: Hong Kong Phooey (and Scatman Crothers).

No. 24: Aldo Nova

No. 25: Black Sabbath. (But they know Ozzy from the reality show. Really? He was in a band called Black Sabbath?)

No. 26: Freddy Mercury

No. 27: Dokken

No. 28: Krull

No. 29: The Southwest Conference

No. 30: Animal House

No. 31: They start making remakes of movies and you remember seeing the original in the theatres.

No. 32: You remember when there were no cell phones.

No. 33: You remember Atari pong and Intellivision.

No. 34: You wonder what life was like without the Internet. Even though you spent most of your life without it.

No. 35: You remember when Dec. 7 was the darkest day in American history, not Sept. 11.

No. 36: When you see people you haven't been around in a few years, they say..", different..."

No. 37: You pull a muscle putting gas in your car.

No. 38: You run away screaming when you hear the words "tequila shots."

No. 39: Thirty year olds call you "sir."

No. 40: You are suddenly a "veteran" in your field.

No. 41: Your daughter's friends ask if you are her grandfather.

No. 42: Your daughter's friends' grandmothers are more attractive than their mothers.

No. 43: You start checking out

And finally, No. 44:

When you start creating lists of why you feel old, come up with 44 reasons and could easily do another 44...


Will Faour said...

Reason 45: You've got a son who's already starting to think about logic.

TMc said...

In honor of your birthday, I collected the following news items by Googling the term “44 years old”:

Kimberlee Ouwroulis, a 44-year-old stripper, is suing Canadian strip club, New Locomotion, for age discrimination after being fired from her job as an exotic dancer.

44-Year-Old Man Dies After Being Found Unresponsive On Disney Ride

The National Enquirer is reporting that Mariah Carey's sister was arrested last month for prostitution in Suffolk County, New York. The 44-year old, who has been diagnosed HIV-positive, was arrested after agreeing to meet a client on his boat at a Long Island marina because she advertised her services on an Internet call girl site, using the name April.

A Buddhist priest dubbed the marathon monk has completed a seven-year ancient running ritual in the remote Japanese mountains. The run in the Hiei mountains, a range of five peaks that rise above the ancient capital of Kyot, covered a distance equivalent to a trip round the globe, said an official at Enryakuji Hoshuin, guardian temple of the gruelling tradition.. The 44-year-old monk, Genshin Fujinami, returned on Thursday from his 1,000-day, 40,000-kilometre spiritual journey.

Lance Nesta, a man in Wisconsin, found a 44-year old fruitcake in his mother's attic while cleaning out the house.

People who share your birthday:

Brad Pitt- who, I might add, is one year OLDER than you. Doesn’t that make you feel better???

Keith Richards – for the guitar player in you

Christina Aguilera – for the dirty old man in you

Katie Holmes – for the cult member in you

Ty Cobb – for the sports enthusiast in you

On this Day in History:
1865 - Slavery was abolished with the ratification of the 13th amendment.

MOST importantly, on THIS day each year, we celebrate FRED. Cheer up sunshine. You're not so old. (I know this cuz I'm not that far behind you.)

Let us take you to dinner tomorrow.

Brandy Rose said...

You're only as old as you can remember. Go ahead, bang your head and get memory loss. ;D

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