So thanks for...nothing? Represent your country!

So it is Thanksgiving week in the States. A holiday where we celebrate a bunch of Puritans making nice with Native Americans, then later stealing their land, horses, trinkets, women, buffalo and anything else they could get their hands on.
It is a tactic that has been employed ever since, especially when it comes to American women. They make nice, then steal everything you have.
But we digress.
This is a happy time, a time for giving thanks for all the wonderful things in our lives.
So, let's see, there's...uh...um...er....
OK, so it hasn't been the best year. I guess we should look for the things we're thankful we're NOT.

1) I am thankful I am not on death row. I mean, if they ever found that rotted, decaying body buried in that playground...

2) I am thankful I am not a bank or the stock market.

3) I am thankful I am not old. Well, never mind on that one.

4) I am thankful that I don't know any pervert priests.*

(*-see short story on prior post).

5) I am thankful I don't have a fanny, as it were.

6) I am NOT thankful that football season is nearly over. And that I think Rice is going to beat the Cougars.

7) I am NOT thankful for torn PCLs.

8) I am NOT thankful for hurricanes.

9) I am NOT thankful for people who don't return phone calls or emails.

10) I AM thankful for transvestites, evil clowns, spider monkeys, goofy Facebook statuses, language barriers, naked animals, bad movies, thongs (on strippers and sumo wrestlers ONLY), bearded women and all assorted circus freaks, Vern Troyer, sexy grandmas, flying dogs, devils needing penis enlargement, and anything else that gets me funny looks when I drop it into seemingly normal conversations. It occurred to me I am not very funny without you guys.
So thanks for that, too.

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OK, the real things to be thankful for are two awesome kids, my brothers, mom and my grandmother, and all the cool people who keep life fun in H Town...The Chris Cs, Curtis Ps, The horse babe/Jason P entry, big Abel, the 1560 guys, El Deano, Michael the Mouth, Scotty S, Jerry the Man, No Fold, D Bounds, Super Sue, Rocket, Bern and Trish and everybody else I am forgetting who always picks up the phone when I call. Or returns my emails.

In the end, isn't that what matters?

Some other stuff:

1) Jack Daniels. Or Jim Beam, depending on the mood.

2) Shinedown. Or Linkin Park, depending on the mood.

3) All in with Aces against kings pre-flop, until the inevitable king on the turn. (Thanks for nothing, Poker Stars).

4) Making people laugh without dressing up like Little Bo Peep.

5) Making people laugh when I DO dress up like Little Bo Peep.

And most importantly, all the cool folks from all over the world who read this blog and click on the ads, which helps keep me in Jack Daniels and Jim Beam. I'm too broke to travel anymore, but you guys bring a little of the world to me every day. For that, I am eternally grateful to all of you. Much love.

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And finally...

The beauty of this blog is that so many of you spark the ideas. It's as much a community blog as it is me, which is a good thing, because you are all smarter than me. (At least most of you are).

Actually, when I first started this, a lot of the ideas came from chatting with Val. So she is sort of the unofficial conscience of the blog. She has even contributed a few ideas (not the funny ones. Those are mine).

Since then, many of you have suggested great ideas. Sometimes the ideas were great and my execution sucked. Sometimes we made them work.

The Canadians dominated for a while. Then the Aussies. Of late, the English have had the best ideas. (Especially Awesome Joy and Vikki the dazzling Brit).

The Americans? Not so much.

All this is a nice way of challenging you to throw me some fresh ideas. The best stuff always gets repurposed for our radio shows, which helps keep me employed.

Whoever has the best idea...well, I will publicly admit you are smarter than me, and that your country is by far the best in the world. (Not you, Val. Everybody else).

Just make sure it has nothing to do with Puritans and Native Americans...

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And another blog I would like to recommend: http://gadfly-waywardthoughts.blogspot.com/

How about giving me some head...lines?

I am asked all the time if I miss working at a newspaper. My standard answer is I miss the people, not the place. As time goes on, I don't miss as many of the people as I used to, either. Guess that is natural. (*If you think I am talking about you, I am probably not. If you think I don't mean you, I do.)
*-I am just kidding. Please don't email and say, "do you mean me? You people are more paranoid than I am.

There is one thing I wish I could have back, however. One great regret. One thing I miss above all else.

Stupid headline mistakes.

There are millions of them around the world. Many great blogs make a career out of these. Here are a few I like. I am sure my former colleagues will have many to contribute.

Here are a few of my favorites from my days at the Chron. Some made the paper, some didn't.

1 -- "Brenham caught with Peters out."
Brenham had a player whose last name was Peters, and he was injured. Of course, that's not how it reads. It reads like an exposure case. The great irony? The same player was later allegedly caught on a recruiting trip, um, spanking his monkey* in a dorm hall.

*-see post on euphemisms.

2 -- "Man arrested after 20 years on lamb."
This is one of Paul McGrath's longtime favorites. That has to be one sore lamb.

3 -- "It's nut-cutting time for Kentucky."
All I can say is "ouch." Really. In Kentucky, that usually means geldings. Poor guys. Amazing how the meaning changes when you put a "u" in where there should be an "e."

4 -- "After 10 years, Johnson finally gets head job."
Poor guy. He must have been married all that time.

5 -- "Cowboys Sanders to miss three weeks with bulging dick in back."
Ah, typos. Obviously, Deion was a transcendent football player. But an extra package?
Guess that makes threesomes easier. Or maybe it was inserted.
Ugh. We learned to be careful with bulging discs.

Just this week, several headlines caught my eye for different reasons. "Sex in retirement homes becoming a problem." What, are they breaking hips at a record pace? "Death ends 15-year relationship." Damn dirty death.

Trish the superbabe pointed me to a great blog that has several
http://failblog.org (page 6: "Chick accuses some male colleagues of sexism" is one of my favorites.)

OK, I'm challenging everyone to give me their favorites. Best of the best wins some 97.5 gear.

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As always, please click on the ads on this page. They help pay for the blog. And for the best sports takes in Houston, check out the examiner blog at http://www.examiner.com/x-1519-Houston-Sports-Examiner

And please check out a new blog from someone who is uniquely talented, clever and insightful (all the things I am not):
http://slapdashthinking.blogspot.com/

She has a lyrical way of writing that will sing to you. I predict this will be one of the most popular blogs on the planet in a few months.

Language barrier; Relationship advice from Uncle Freddy? Really?

One of my favorite things to goof off with is Facebook and some of the silly games on there. I enjoy the games like Wordscraper (dammit, it's your move, Trish) but I also have a blast on a silly horse racing game which is basically a bunch of colored pixel ponies.

My addiction to real horse racing is the stuff of legends, so being drawn to a goofy game based on it isn't a real stretch.

But as stated before on this blog, it's more the people. Most of the time, it is essentially like sitting in a bar with a bunch of other addicted degenerates talking about whatever comes up.

So it is not a stretch, too, that we all have similar interests. As such, I have made virtual friends with all sorts of wonderful people from all over the world.

(Yeah, yeah. Get a life, I know. Thanks, I have one. It's just virtual).

Regardless, there are very few Americans on there. Most are English, Aussies or Canadians.

Wonderful countries, all. Wonderful people, too.

But they don't speak English.

Well, not Texas English. Not even American English.

It's amazing how many phrases have gone off in completely different directions on different continents. (It has also led me to getting clocked in Wordscraper by these clever foreigners).

Thanks to Austin Powers, I managed to learn a few. I might take a bathroom break. The English go to the loo.

We don't have a word for loo, unless it's short for looney. (Which is what calling a bathroom a "loo" seems to be).

If your name is Randy, you can expect to get laughed at in England. While it's a nice, solid American name, it's also horny over there.

My personal favorite is the term, "fanny." In the States, it means butt, rear, etc.

In England, it apparently refers to a vagina.

I can see where this could be confusing, especially for an American/English couple. Especially if the man asks, "can I have a go at your fanny?"

Wars have been started that way.

I am also confused as to where a fanny pack is supposed to go now.

I am currently losing weight. I am not sure where I would do best. In England I would be losing stones. In Australia, kilograms. Here, it is pounds. Which would be money in England. (That might be my best bet. I am MUCH better at losing pounds in England than in America). But I WANT stones here. Sigh.

And I can't even talk to the English about tea. For some it's dinner. For other's it's lunch. For me it is a wretched drink.

And my English friends don't understand why we giggle like school girls when they talk about eating spotted dick. It's a sponge pudding for them. For us? It's someone who needs a penicillin shot.

Well, at least we all like alcohol. Even if I go to a bar and they go to a pub.

And Canadians...what is it with putting the extra "u" in every word? Is it really necessary? isn't Glamor just fine as Glamor? Why does it need to be Glamour? And humor...does it really need to be hume-you-are? That's what "humour" looks like to me.

Admittedly, I REALLY need to travel the world more. Unless I want to keep getting clocked at Wordscraper.

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OK, if you have more of these, please share. Thanks to Joy, a clever young lady from England, for her help with this. Also, much love for Vikki the Dazzling Brit, who drops stuff out of the blue that is funny as hell and sends me scurrying for a dictionary. And thanks to Brandy the Awesome American for speaking the same language and wanting me to be president. And Virtual Val, the Canadian goddess, who puts a u in every word that has an o just to confuse me.

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In response to C-squared's comment below...You want relationship advice from ME? What's next, human rights advice from Saddam Hussein? Bar Mitzvah advice from the pope? Coaching advice from Gary Kubiak? How to spell O words from Val?

Try this: At our age, until you purchase a ring, you are just friends. (That's what you get for dating 18 year olds). You don't need to drop that fact on them until you have been dating for about a month. Tell them it's a late 30s/early 40s thing.

Oh, and K-10 offsuit is not a good hand....:-)

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Thanks to all!

Help, please! And be sure to sign off...

Friendly reminder to please click on our advertisers. They pay for this blog. And please visit the blog at examiner.com for sports takes at http://www.examiner.com/Houston-Sports.html.

I have discovered I do not speak English. I need help from my English, Aussie and Canadian friends. Please send me some of your favorite phrases that are unique to your country. It will be for a blog entry later in the week. Just some of the things that confuse your American friends. Email them to me at dragonman409@gmail.com

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Now, a bit about ethics. We have been filling in for Calvin Murphy off and on over the past two weeks. Matt brought up a brilliant ethical dilemma on the show, and it got a lot of great response, so I thought it was worth revisiting here.

One of our interns left his personal email signed on a work computer.

The ethical question: How much are we allowed to do?

Send emails to his friends? Change his fantasy roster? Change his password.

The possibilities were endless. First up, his friend Jennifer. We had to send her an email confessing that he had a "small problem." But that he was considering enlargement surgery and would she be willing to talk about expanding their friendship at that point.

Mom, of course, got the full confession. "Mom, I have been wanting to tell you this for a while, but I recently found myself. I will be bringing my 'special friend' Bruce home this weekend."

And, of course, to Bruce..."I have a confession...I am attracted to you in a special way. Can we talk about this in person? Sorry I haven't brought this up sooner, but I wasn't sure about you until now..."

So what is over the line? How much can we get away with? When do we go from funny to childish?

And if any of you get strange emails from me, you'll know I was stupid and left myself signed on and the kid got me back...

Some updates...why you should vote for Fred

Sorry for the delay in posting. I have been spending a lot of time working on the Ticket's Web site and also the examiner blog (http://www.examiner.com/x-1519-Houston-Sports-Examiner) and this one has suffered. I promise to get caught back up this week.

In the interim, please visit the advertisers on this page. They pay for the blog. And check out the examiner blog; I get paid per view there. It's a great blog if you like Houston sports. If not, click on it and comment anyway and help a brother out.

Fun stuff is coming on this blog. Sometime this week, I will have something on how even though we all speak the same language (theoretically), the English, Aussies, Americans and Canadians all need translators for each other.

Also, some new fiction in the works. I had a Halloween story called Night of the Living Old Yeller. Didn't get it done in time for Halloween, but it is almost finished and it is as disturbing as it sounds.

I am also working on a new super villain series.

On the radio front, we'll be filling in for Calvin Murphy on 11/4, 11/5, 11/6 and 11/11. That's prime time, 5-7 p.m. Central. You can hear us on the Web site at www.975theticket.com. It promises to be entertaining, so please check it out.

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So it's Election Day in America. Please get out and vote.

It doesn't matter whether or not you vote for the guy who says nothing or the old chipmunk looking dude who had to pick a hottie as a running mate to have any shot. Just vote.

The next election, however, I will be running for president as head of the Degenerate party.

I ask for your support.

Unlike my future opponents (the incumbent Obama and Palin the she-devil, who will run on her own in four years), I am not going to resort to ducking the issues and relying on my good looks to get elected.

I will not resort to negative campaigning.

However, I might have to point out a few facts.

I will mention that Obama is just a pretty face with the personality of a sponge.

I will mention that Palin sounds like she missed out on the lead in Fargo but that she did star in Damien Omen III as Damien.

I might even have to reveal that they had a little-known affair, and are secretly into each other in a big way.

And that they were both sexually involved with different farm animals, too. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but is this who we want leading our country?

No, this will be about me.

I promise no taxes whatsoever. We will get our money by initiating a national lottery and tax, er, collect from you that way.

I promise more national parties. No, not Dems and Republicans. Real parties, with circus midgets, trapezes, and Palin in a teddy.

We will also run the country like a college football program. In fact, just like the University of Texas.

Because of that, I promise we will invade Canada. (Nothing personal, Canada. We will leave right after we invade. We don't want to keep you.).

But we do need an easy win to help our BCS rankings. Iraq was tougher than expected. They took us to the wire. China is gaining points on us. We need to pad our stats.

Canada is like Baylor -- we need a rout to feel better about ourselves. We will pull the starters once we get a big lead. Really.

And finally, I will legalize poker in all states, eliminate the death penalty (except for people who annoy us) and decree that football must be played year round.

And I promise some pot for every chicken.

Or something like that.

Regardless, join the Degenerate party, and vote for Fred.