Tuesday, August 12, 2008

We are the world; gargoyle freaks; trivia time

OK, I've been working too hard. Not whining, of course, because I went months without doing a damned thing. So working is fun.

But it's limited my freak encounters and thus my blog material.

I am on record as saying I have a freak magnet somewhere. It makes people talk to me about sick dogs on elevators, show their breasts on elevators or force wheelchair prostitutes into my path.

Then there is the elephant woman, my best-ever freak show story. We will save that one for a slow day.

The practical upshot is I haven't had a lot of freak encounters to blog about recently.

So thank God for the Olympics.

Ah yes, the Olympics. The eyes of the world turn to smoggy, smelly Beijing as we all come together in the spirit of competition, brotherhood and peace.

Meanwhile, Russia and Georgia are at war (I think this could hurt the Bulldogs' chances to win the SEC. They are No. 1 in most polls, but the Russians have the guns AND the numbers).

The U.S. has that little Iraqi conflict going. And Afghanistan. And God knows how many other conflicts around the world we have going that we don't know about yet. (Whoops, that sounded political. Never mind).

Ah yes, back to the beauty and pageantry of the Olympics. Amateurs who make millions. And use 'roids, HGH and whatever else they can get away with. It's the purity of sport at its worst.

Yes, there are still magic moments -- the U.S. swim team's relay win the other night was unforgettable. There will be more excitement, drama, and national pride.

However, I have two problems with the Olympics: 1) TV's fake drama stories. 2) I miss the Soviets and East Germans.

I don't know how it is in the rest of the world, but here, NBC TV goes out of its way to create fake drama about every athlete. Meet Kenobi Malakov from Kazakhstan, who overcame the loss of both arms and legs in an accident to become a world class sailor. He finished ninth.

And Prakish Prakheel from India, whose parents were tragically killed by a raging bull. But Prakheel overcame that horrible accident to become a world class table tennis player. But then an uncle twice removed died of cancer, and a distant cousin was lost in a shopping mall and never found. Depression set in, and Prakheel barely made the Indian team. Then came the serious hangnail injury -- near fatal for a table tennis star. But Prakheel persevered and won bronze!

Memo to NBC: ALL OF THESE STORIES HAVE BEEN DONE. It's called "Inside the Music" on VH1. Whatever tragedy people have overcome at the Olympics, throw in drug addiction and the drummer losing his arm in the car accident, and you have Inside the Music.

Real drama happens on the field. In the pool. On the track. Let it happen on its own and stop creating false drama. We're smart enough to figure it out for ourselves.

Plus, let's face it; I miss the Soviets. Back in the day, the Olympics were great. It was our amateurs against their drugged up professionals. Our All-American kids vs. Ivan Drago.

Then there were the East Germans. Musclebound, steroid monsters. And that was just the women.

There were guys named Alexie and Miroslav and Viktor. And they seemed unbeatable.

It was good vs. evil at its best.

Now, the Russians are our friends. The only Communists left are China and Cuba. Hard to work up a hatred for China; Yao Ming plays for the Rockets and I love his restaurant. Cuba? Hasn't been a factor since Teofilo Stevenson quit boxing. And I love their cigars.

So who does that leave?

The French talk a lot of smack, but they don't back it up. Saddam is dead. Iran and North Korea are too busy building nukes to field competitive teams.

So who is left to hate?

Frankly, we ARE the Soviets now. We are the big bad dudes everybody around the world wants to beat. It's no fun being the Soviets. It's a lot like being the Patriots or Red Sox. Everybody hates us but us. (That's you, Red Sox fan. Patriots Fan. Live with it).

I am an underdog guy, so I am rooting for my friends from around the world. I want Australia to beat out Russia, South Korea and the other countries for third in the medal race. (Aussie Aussie Aussie!).

The Aussies are doing fine. My other friends? Not so much. Yes, it's early, but...

Great Britain is off to a slow start, with as many medals as Azerbaijan. Come on England; you are better than that.

And Canada...(memo to Val, Hu, Sandy, Danny, Norm and the gang: Do you people do anything but curl and play hockey?)

The countries with more medals than Canada include Indonesia, Togo, Kazakhstan (veerryyy nicccee!!!), Zimbabwe, Armenia, Belarus, and two countries I have never heard of: Tajikistan and Kyrgyzstan. Kyrgyzstan? Are you kidding me?

Vietnam has a medal. Uzbekistan has a medal.

Canada has as many medals as Iraq. IRAQ.

(Zero as of today).

I blame Val. Get your country together, young lady. You guys are better than this.

We're rooting for you, Canada. You can take Armenia! And you damned well better beat Tajikistan!


After hundreds of people told me how "moving" and "beautiful" the opening ceremonies were, I decided to go back and watch them.

"Best ever," people told me.

Gargoyle freaks in tights with a bunch of pretty colors. Hoo boy. Maybe next time I will drop acid and watch it. I'm proud of you, China. Nice job. Really.

Can't wait for the closing ceremony now. Wow. Good stuff. Look at all the pretty colors and spinning lights.

Nice tights, freaks.


No one got the trivia answer from a couple weeks ago...To remind you, the question was what city gets nuked in Independence Day?

The answer? Houston, of course. The alien ship, however, was unharmed.

The next trivia question....what movie is this quote from:

"Well I guess it all started the first time I went through the second grade. I caught my reflection in a spoon while I was eating my cereal, and I remember thinking "wow, you're ridiculously good looking, maybe you could do that for a career."

Hint: It's damned funny...


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Valerie said...

Ummm, we do one other thing really well in Canada (other than curl or play hockey). I seriously doubt they will make it an Olympic sport, though, even if it would increase viewership.

And you've never heard of Kyrgyzstan? Pretty sad, buddy.

Valerie said...

Oh, and just in case you were serious when you told me there'd be a prize - Zoolander!

Bern said...

While we need to remember that Canada is a loft apartment above the really good party, we also need to remember that they don't have summer in Canada. So it is kinda hard to ask them to play summer sports. We're not asking Iran to get a snowboarding team together.

ChrisC said...

Let's hate on France! Trash-talkers who got their pieholes shut by Phelps & IM relay! Loved it!! USA! USA! Riley Salmon and mens Volleyball kicked some Italian @ss last night!

Didn't think 'Zoolander' and 'damned funny' was in the same sentence, but maybe its like Napolean Dynamite you've got to watch it 2x to truly get it.

Browns will go 8-8 if they're lucky!

No MMA, no fantasy football in paper...sick! Looks like I might go to a fantasy football Chron.com page.

War Gargoyles!! Keep the good stuff coming Freddy!!

Joe said...

Ahh ... The Russians.

Let me see ... hmmmm ... kinda reads like a song lyric to me ....

"Five to one, baby, one in five,
No one here gets out alive now,
You get yours, baby, I'll get mine,
Gonna make, baby, if we try.

... They've got the guns but we've got the numbers, Gonna make it baby if we try ... " -- "Five To One," The Doors.

'Nuff said.

-- Joe

ChrisC said...

Time to send out a correction notice... Michael Phelps IS one of the greatest athletes ever! Period. ;) See you Friday?

Anonymous said...

We are up to 13 medals now - better than Athens! - Hu