Everybody wants to rule the world...so I will

First, please check out my Examiner blog at http://www.examiner.com/x-1519-Houston-Sports-Examiner. Even if you aren't a big sports fan, you might find this one interesting. Feel free to comment on it and call me an idiot. If not, please just click on it. My numbers have sucked lately.

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Quick congrats to Steve Campbell, who is braver than all of us and got engaged. He is a terrific dude and I miss working with him. Congrats to Steve and his wonderful daughter, Olivia.

So Awesome Brandy had another fun idea for a blog-off: What would we do if we ruled the world? So I will give mine, and then she's up. Hers will be much better. (Then I have to come up with a clever idea for the both of us. So far, all the ideas are hers. Yeah, I know, Val, women are smarter...).

And I am thinking perhaps Awesome Brandy the Blogging Goddess (ABBG) for a new nickname, replacing Awesome Brandy. What do you guys think?

Yet another shameless plug for her blog, Slapdash Thinking.

Regardless, time to rule the world (Campbell writes my acceptance speech):

This is a big responsibility. Would I be serious? Funny? A tyrant? A wise leader?

OK, probably all of the above, minus the seriousness and wise leader bit. So here we go:

No. 1: My first act would be to decree..."All children under 16 years old are now... 16 years old!"

(OK, sorry, gratuitous reference to Woody Allen's Bananas, which seems to be what comes to mind when I think of ruling the world. That and the horribly annoying "Everybody wants to rule the world" by Tears for Fears. Or, more appropriately, R.E.M.'s "It's the end of the world as we know it...and I feel fine."

Thanks for sticking all that in my head, Brandy.

OK, let's try again...

No. 1A: Invade the moon. As a planet, we need an initiative we can all get behind and support. We need an easy victory to prove we are one world united against the universe. By taking over the moon, we don't have to kill anyone and we feel good about ourselves as a planet.

No. 2: Assign all politicians, elevator trolls and other assorted scumbags to "occupy" the moon for us. And forget to send them enough supplies. (Do you like the the way I just casually justified mass, um, "cleansing?" Isn't that what great dictators, er, politicians, do?)

No. 3: Replace the National Anthem with Kid Rock's "American Badass" and make it the official anthem of the earth.

No. 4: Declare that American football must be played in some form or fashion 365 days a year. (I would declare the same for soccer for our other international friends, but they already do that).

No. 5: I would make Thursday "Whack the Knucklehead Day." We would have an international vote, and whoever wins would get whacked on television in a Running Man-style hunting game.
"This Thursday on Whack the Knucklehead, vote on Madonna, Michael Jackson, Fabio and everyone on American Idol! The winner gets hunted down and killed on air by Arnold Scharzenegger dressed as the Terminator!"

No. 6: OK, this is really starting to sound like a dictatorship. Let's lighten it up. Friday afternoon is "Everyone does Patron shots, performs drunk live music and passes out" day. Government grants available.

No. 7: Declare Patrick Stewart my Director of Space Development, just so I can hear him say, "engage." And I get to call him "No. 1" in a derisive tone just to see how he likes it for a change.

(Actually, as world leader, I would be a lot like Q in The Next Generation series. Kind of the Loki, mischievous demi-god type. But we digress).

No. 8: Rule that Slapdash Thinking is required reading for all college classes, even Calculus. (Don't you love the way I seamlessly drop in plugs for Brandy?)

No. 9: Have someone lose weight and do my workout for me. And have someone type in my Facebook status for me. "Fred is ruling the world. Take that, haters. You might wind up on Whack the Knucklehead Day. Or disappearing in a bag ala V for Vendetta."

No. 10: Pay for the greatest inaugural ball ever, hosted by Sparkles the Evil Clown. Everybody from all over the would be there....We would clear out an old missile silo, decorate it with trees and brush, fill it with spider monkeys, peregrine falcons, mice and duck-billed platypi (for the Aussies). And the Patron shots will flow like wine.

We would serve fajitas and everybody would get a signed photo of Sparkles.

We would bring in our own police cars and have a demolition derby. Then I would attempt to jump a motorcycle over Star Jones. And we would bring in fire trucks and have a parade, like we had just won the Super Bowl.

Then we all dress as scary clowns and terrorize women and small children. (whoops, sorry, that's a personal thing. Please ignore it).

Then we have the biggest concert ever.

I would hire Shinedown to be my opening act, then the Chili Peppers to be my backup band while we did the greatest show in history and I ended it with a kick ass rap/metal version of Everybody Wants to Rule the World. (With American Badass as the encore, with Kid Rock joining me on stage. But I don't let him have the microphone, because I rule the world and he is just a lowly musician).

Then all the cool women I know will get up and do drunk poetry and throw poison darts at Sparkles The Evil Clown. Then we do drunker karaoke until everybody passes out.

Then, when I wake up, I declare world peace. Anyone who starts wars or other trouble is killed as the opening act on "Whack The Knucklehead Day."

Once that was done, I would declare that Val, Trish, Bernie, Patrick, Vikki, Joy, Min, Hu, C-squared, The horse babe, Jason, D, MC Gelding, Danny and AM each get to rule Anarctica for a day.

Then I would suddenly disappear, walking the earth like Jules in Pulp Fiction, leaving this world leadership thing to Brandy.