Today, Dec. 18, is a very special (and depressing) day. Your blogging friend will have been patrolling the earth for 44 years.
Forty-four-freaking years. It sounds so devastatingly old. It seems like yesterday I was an angst-ridden wannabe rock star teenager cranking out wicked guitar riffs and chasing the young vixens of the 409 area code.
By now, I would have expected to know the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything.
I will just say this -- it wasn't 42. Or 43. Kind doubt it's 44.
The real answer? Pretty simple. Do the things you enjoy, treat everybody else better than you treat yourself, and don't be scared to try to be whatever you hope you can be in life. And when you fail, try something else.
The only true answer is finding what God (or whatever your deity) meant for you to be. That creates a harmony in yourself and in the universe.
Simple, huh?
Good luck finding that. I have no brilliant insight there.
At 44, I think I've found that harmony in the entertainment world, such as it is. In fiction. In making light of the world and myself.
Now if we could just figure out how the hell to make that profitable enough to exist comfortably... maybe that's the real answer.
But I digress.
Anyway, for your reading pleasure or displeasure, in honor of the day, here are 44 ways to tell you are officially old:
No. 1: You are listening to an "oldies" station and they play Pantera.
No. 2: People tell you "you are only as old as you feel," and you realize you "feel" 70.
No. 3: You are the old dude in the gym.
No. 4: You go to a college football game and your friends think the cheerleaders are hot, and all you think is "damn, they look like 12-year-olds."
No. 5: You make fun of Hooters girls instead of pursuing them.
No. 6: You go to sports bars instead of clubs.
No. 7: Your kids are watching the same movies as you and getting things you are missing.
No. 8: You start thinking like your parents.
No. 9: You can't remember half the people you meet anymore.
No. 10: (It's doubly bad when you "meet" someone you actually dated more than once.)
No. 11: You go to concerts and count the people older than you and hope you aren't in the top 5 percent* (that goes down one percent each year).
No. 12: You realize you are closer to being eligible for Champions golf tour than you care to admit.
No. 13: You are calling 43-year-olds "young man" or "young lady."
No. 14. You realize you were actually middle aged at 22.
No. 15: You realize you are worth more financially dead than alive.
No. 16: You realize you are closer to social security than High school.
No. 17: You are just six years away from being able to play in senior poker tournaments.
No. 18: People start sending you magazines like "Geezer jock." And you think the woman on the cover is attractive.
No. 19: You start thinking about getting a plant. Or a cat. Or a turtle. Or a goldfish. And becoming an old dude with a pet.
Then, of course, you meet people who have never heard of the following:
No. 20: Monty Python
No. 21: Benny Hill
No. 22: Hogan's Heroes
No. 23: Hong Kong Phooey (and Scatman Crothers).
No. 24: Aldo Nova
No. 25: Black Sabbath. (But they know Ozzy from the reality show. Really? He was in a band called Black Sabbath?)
No. 26: Freddy Mercury
No. 27: Dokken
No. 28: Krull
No. 29: The Southwest Conference
No. 30: Animal House
No. 31: They start making remakes of movies and you remember seeing the original in the theatres.
No. 32: You remember when there were no cell phones.
No. 33: You remember Atari pong and Intellivision.
No. 34: You wonder what life was like without the Internet. Even though you spent most of your life without it.
No. 35: You remember when Dec. 7 was the darkest day in American history, not Sept. 11.
No. 36: When you see people you haven't been around in a few years, they say.."Wow...you look...um, different..."
No. 37: You pull a muscle putting gas in your car.
No. 38: You run away screaming when you hear the words "tequila shots."
No. 39: Thirty year olds call you "sir."
No. 40: You are suddenly a "veteran" in your field.
No. 41: Your daughter's friends ask if you are her grandfather.
No. 42: Your daughter's friends' grandmothers are more attractive than their mothers.
No. 43: You start checking out www.viagra.com
And finally, No. 44:
When you start creating lists of why you feel old, come up with 44 reasons and could easily do another 44...
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