Elevators and Freddy just don't mix

Sometimes, you have to take a different approach to things. Maybe my elevator problems have been my fault. After all, I just kind of go about my business, shuffle off in the corner and avoid people. Maybe that's why I attract so many freaks.

So this week I decided to try something different.

Be friendly. Affable. Smile. Carry on conversations with complete strangers in the elevator. Ask them how they are doing. Give the illusion that I care.

"How are ya on this fine morning, buddy?"

"How about this weather?"

"It sure is early, isn't it?"

As usual when I try something like this, it went horribly wrong.

Oh, it was OK for a couple days. An elderly woman thanked me for asking. A custodial engineer offered to clean out our studio. The guy bringing our Friday kolaches offered to specially cook me a few next week. (Sadly, I had to politely decline. *!#%*!#% diets. Twenty pounds down; 110 left to get rid of).

I was starting to think that maybe this was the way to go. I was making new friends, cheering people up, in general being just a friendly guy.

Until Thursday.

As usual, I get on the elevator and it is just me and an elderly fellow. He smelled vaguely of Ben Gay, stale cigarettes, cheap wine and diaper. Like a lot of people who work for the company in this building (an oil company), he was pretty rough around the edges.

He looked a lot like this:



(Yes, I know. Brooks was here. So was Fred. If you don't get that reference, go rent Shawshank.)

Buoyed by my recent success, I tried the "how are you today, sir?" approach.

He grunted, added to his diaper, and dropped a "none of your f----ing business" on me.

That was a first. Before I could respond, he started cackling, like he had just made a great joke.

"I always tell people that," he drawled. "Just a joke, fella."

Me: "That's funny. Really."

It: "I'm doing real good, since you asked."

Me: "Not judging from the smell, you're not."

Sigh. I haven't spoken to anyone on an elevator since. See where being friendly gets you? Thank God I have a cold or the smell would STILL be in my nostrils.


----------------------------------------------------------

Taking advantage of my newfound ability to imbed videos, check out Joaquin Phoenix's appearance on Letterman.



It had to be a set-up, but it was bizarre either way.

---------------------------------------------------------

Also, here's a link to my examiner commentary. Please help a brother out and click on it a few times. I promise the Derby winner is in that top five. Place your bets now. And my always gratuitous link to Brandy.